Fifty Shades Of Fucked Up
by MidnightSteele
Summary: What happens when the two cross paths, in the most unexpected way? Will Christian be able to save Ana, and save himself as well? Will they be able to fix each other? Or will life get in the way?
1. Fifty Shades Of Fucked Up

Chapter 1 – Fifty Shades Of Fucked Up

Ana's POV

**Friday**

Here I am, sitting in this man's playroom; awaiting my fate. I don't even know how I let it come to this. How did I let my life get this fucked up? _It was him. _He did this to me; he made me this fucked up. He's the reason I'm here, why I need to do this. He's the reason my life is so fucked up. Now, I'm with a man who's no better than him. But, maybe he is… I feel like he's saving me. I give him control, and it makes everything so easy.

I no longer have to think about anything, but pleasing master. I don't have to think, about the man that destroyed my life or about my fucked up life. It all fades seems to fade away when we're together, in here. Not that it could be anything more, anyway. Although, I don't feel like this wrong; it feels right. I can't even explain it… but, I get to be someone else. I no longer have to be, it feels free. I feel as if nothing can go wrong in here. If it does, all I have to say is yellow or red. Two little words and they fix everything, at least in here they do.

My head is downcast, and I'm in the perfect submissive position; when he walks into the room. I feel my panties get wet, at the sight of his bare feet. This man is damn attractive for being twice my age. He may be thirty something, but he looks twenty something. He has an amazing body, dark green eyes, and dark brown hair. He screams sex, and at 33. He's not like the guys my age, he's so much better. I haven't met any guy my age that can fulfill my needs like he can.

He moves out of my line of view, but I don't move my head. I wouldn't dare, it wouldn't please master. I continue staring at my hands that are placed on my thighs, wondering what he's going to do to me. He always comes up with the most pleasurable things. Even when it's punishment, he somehow makes it pleasurable. I don't know how he does it… he just does.

He's in front of me again, and I feel him looking down on me. "Stand" he says and I immediately comply. I keep my head down, not daring to look up; until I'm told. He's in Dom mode, the stance I know so well. The only time I have seen him out of this stance, is when he was talking with Bob over sports and what not.

"Come, pet." He says, and leads me over to the cross. I'm placed so that I'm facing him, but I keep my head down. He straps my feet in, and then my arms so they are hanging lazily above me. I'm spread wide, in nothing but my panties. He grasps my chin with his forefinger and thumb; and forces me to look up at him. His eyes are that dark shade of green; they make me want him more. "You've been a good girl this week, Anastasia. You are going to be rewarded." He says, rubbing the bulge of his jeans against my sex. I can't help the moan that escapes my lips, he feels so good. I want him; I've wanted him all week.

"Mmm, you like that; Anastasia?" He mummers, while he kisses that spot behind my ear. I don't dare answer him; I don't want my reward to be taken way. His head is buried against my neck, while he rubs against me. I feel him put a pair, of unnoticed nipple claps on one of my breasts. It weighs down and it's pleasurably painful; he follows it with the other one. "We won't be needing these." He says and rips my panties, making me more wet; if even possible.

He inserts one of his fingers into my sex, and groans. "So wet" He mummers, removing his finger; and then, tortuously slowly, he replaces it with his impressive length. The rooms is filled with our moans and groans, while he thrusts in and out; at a deliciously fast pace. He starts rubbing my clit with one of his fingers, and the other finds its way up to my breasts. I come gloriously while he takes the nipple clamps off… the feeling is exquisite. He trusts, once more into me; and grunts my name when he releases into me. We are both panting and sated from our orgasms.

Once we catch our breath, he releases me from the cross. And, I can help but miss the feeling of the restraints against my skin. He takes me over to the four poster bed, and fucks me; giving me several more mind blowing orgasms. I'm deliciously sore by the time I get my backpack, and make my way to leave. I was left with a promise of a repeat of today, but I must behave. If I don't behave… well, I don't want to think about what would happen.

I make my way quickly down the porch steps, keeping my head down. Until, I notice something out of the corner of my eye. He's the most breathtaking boy that I've ever laid eyes on. He seems to be cleaning up some kind of rubble. His grey eyes; bore into me with a myriad of emotions. Curiosity, being the biggest one; I don't think we've ever met before. I would have surely remembered him.

I stop staring immediately, knowing what trouble it could bring me. I slump my backpack over one of my shoulders and finish making my retreat. I head home, thinking about the beautiful boy I've just seen. I try to get him off my mind, but I can't. It was something about those gray eyes…

**Christian's POV**

I make my way to Elena's house, and I find that she isn't even here, I don't see her car. I should have known, mother said she goes to the spa every weekend. But, I wanted to get this done over the weekend. I didn't want to do this, and I wanted to get it done quickly. I decide to just get rid of the rubble, like I was told I would be doing. I don't know how long I work for, but I stop when I see the door open. A petite brunette comes out, and doesn't notice me. I watch as she descends the stairs, and I can't help but be affected by her.

She isn't like any girl I've seen before. Maybe it's something in the way she walks, or the way she looks. I don't know what it is, but I find myself wanting her. She looks up and I'm met with the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen. I find myself wondering who she is. I've never seen her before, I would surely remember her. She looks away, all too fast, and she leaves. She leaves me standing there, wanting. I need to know this girl, I want to have her.

I want to try something with this girl, something I've never tried before. I want to have sex with this girl, I would ask her not to touch me, just to have it. I've never wanted to do that, I've never wanted to tell anyone about the scars. But, if it would me having her; I would do it. There's something about here, and I don't know what it is. I think it may be those blue eyes… the ones that I feel see into my soul. After one glance, how is that even possible? Witchcraft, this girl is truly witchcraft…

* * *

**_A/N So, I have a feeling a lot of people won't like this story. But, it was something I couldn't get off my mind. I thought it was something new, and I like to add to contribute to the FSOG FanFiction. I felt a little wrong, while writing this story. I hate, and love the idea of this story. It's fiction so; I guess I feel a little better about it. But, the idea didn't really sit right with me. I don't know, it sounded like a good idea at first, it just feels wrong._**

**_I guess; it's kind of like the whole Elena and Christian thing. It's wrong, but we still write about it. So, I know this is a really different twist in FSOG. And, I know a lot of people aren't going to like it. _**

**_I had a hard time writing their time in the playroom, so I hope it worked out. I would like to point out that Ana is on birth control, she will not get pregnant. I was going to say something about Linc telling her to go to one, seeing as you don't need your parent's permission. I didn't find it appropriate to retell the story while he was fucking her. So, yeah, I just wanted to clear that up._**

**_I wanted to note, I don't think Elena will get to Christian in this one. I wanted to say that, and I really want to tell you guys more. But, I won't; I hope to get there soon._**

**_I also wanted to say, there will be a HEA for Ana and Christian. There are just going to be bumps and bruises (no pun intended) along the way. They will get past them though, and everything will be okay in the end. So, I hope some people enjoyed this. Let me know what you think…_**

**_Pinterest dot com /MidnightSteele/fifty-shades-of-fucked-up/_**


	2. Why She's Acting This Way

**_A/N I just wanted to answer a few questions. Ana is 15 and Christian is 16. Christian still has the same past, although Ana's has obviously changed. They have become quite similar. So, er, let me know what you think._**

**_Oh, I made a Pinterest Page for this story. Please remember, they are younger in this story; so I chose different people to play them. They may not be the best fit, but it was hard finding young actors; that fit the description. So, you have to use some imagination. They are also are bit OOC, especially Ana; so her style is going to be different. Ana is going to be some of the old Ana with a bit of a twist. You're going to see some of it in this chapter. _**

**_I both added and took away some of her confidence. She's obviously more broken in this story, causing rebellion. I changed her style a bit; definitely not something the true Ana would wear. Again, this would be the teenage years, and the rebellion. I doubt regular teenage Ana would be anything like this. Anyway, just letting you guys know._**

**_Pinterest dot com /MidnightSteele/fifty-shades-of-fucked-up/_**

**_This is a continuation from the last chapter._**

* * *

Chapter 2 – Why She's Acting This Way

Ana's POV

I get home, and the house is empty; like usual. I sigh, and head up to my bedroom. Carla and I live with her new husband Bob. He's some big time lawyer so; I don't really see much of him. And, Carla is off doing god knows what. The house is really nice, but it gets lonely sometimes. It's not like I want to spend time with Carla or Bob, but I get bored here alone. It's a big house, and it's not really my style. Although, when we first moved in, Bob let me design my room. I kept it simple, just my books, music, and what not. It's messy though, I try not to spend too much of my time here.

I don't like being here alone, so I usually go anywhere but here. I make it up to my room, and kick the door shut on my way in. Throwing my backpack into the abyss of shit on my floor, and kicking of my converse; I make my way to my bed. It's a simple queen size bed, tucked away in the corner of the room. I curl up in the unmade bed, not bothering to change my clothes. I find myself tired after today, and I just want to sleep; I fall asleep almost as soon as my head hits the pillows.

_I'm lying in bed, my back turned towards the door. Trying to fall asleep, hoping he might leave me alone. Wrong, the light from the hallway floods the room; my eyes instantly snap shut. Please, not tonight; please leave me alone._

_The door shuts, and I hope he decided to leave me alone; I keep my eyes shut. I can't let my guard down, maybe he might go away. Wrong again, I didn't hear the footsteps; but his hand is instantly on my mouth. I let out a whimper, knowing what's going to happen; I have no control over it. The tears fall from my face, and his weight shifts the bed._

_I want to scream, but I know it's useless; it won't do me any good, it might just hurt me more. In a haze, he's lying on top of me; parting my legs with one of his. His breathe is on my neck, and his hands roaming my body. I let another whimper, it's getting harder to breathe; and I just want to scream. Please, I beg silently; tears are shedding down my face. Why is this happening to me? Why did mommy marry him? _

_She's not even my mother anymore; she's a ghost of a woman. She doesn't protect me, she doesn't even believe me. I tried, I tried to tell her, but she wouldn't listen. And then he beat me for it, he told me that if I ever said anything again; I would be dead next time. I didn't doubt him; I still have the cigarette burns from last time._

_I blank again, and now he has my clothes off; I didn't even notice in my haze. I never notice anymore, I pretend to be somewhere else. Anywhere but here, anywhere I can gain control. The tears still fall, every time; I can never stop them. I try, I really try not to cry; he likes it when I cry._

_Another blank, he's inside me now. I let out a whimper of pain, it hurts. He's panting heavily, his weight on top of me. He grasping my sides; and his nails are digging in my skin. It hurts even more; an involuntary whimper escapes my mouth. He's relentless, the pain is unbearable. It doesn't hurt like the first time…when he ripped my virginity away from me. But, it hurts it hurts so much; I don't want this. Please, please stop. I plead silently again; I wouldn't dare repeat those words aloud. I know what would happen, I can't take that again._

_He mistakes my whimper as a cry of pleasure. He does it every time, every time he touches me, and the last time he did this. "You want this don't you, Ana" He says, still panting against my neck. Scotch… the oh so familiar scent that I find repulsive. I don't answer; I don't want to give him that satisfaction. "Tell me, Ana." He repeats, and his grip on my sides gets tighter. His right hand releases my side, and it comes back down in a second. A cry escapes my mouth, it's the hardest he's slapped me yet. "Say it, Ana. Tell me how much you want me." He grunts his words against my skin, and I meet my fate._

_"I want this." I whimper, tears streaming down my face. I can't say it, I don't want this; I've never wanted this. I have no control; I have no control over anything anymore. With that, he releases inside of me; and collapses on top of me. The tears continue streaming, and I almost hyperventilate under him._

_I don't even recognize him leaving; I just curl up and cry._

I wake up sweating and panting, another nightmare. Every time I fall asleep, he invades my dreams. He still has control, even when he's a thousand miles away in a jail cell; he still has control. I thought I earned it back when he left. I thought I had it, but I couldn't handle it. I know that, I had to have master take over. I didn't know control, I've never had it.

Stephen took it away, months of abuse, months of having total control over everything I do. When I finally had it back, I couldn't; I just didn't know how to anymore. I didn't know how to do anything; I was a bigger disappointment to my mother. So, I let master do it; he has my control. I do what pleases him, and it pleases me. I don't have to think about anything, I don't have to make decisions.

But, it all fades away in my sleep. Stephen gets it back, and I don't get a say. With master, I get control over what happens with me. I get to say no, I choose what happens to me. If I behave, I get rewarded; and I enjoy it. I like that, I get a say; that I could say no.

If I do something bad, I get punished. But, that is tolerable now; he made pain tolerable, but master made it pleasurable. Only in my nightmares, I don't get a say. I don't get to say no, I can't stop it. I was never able to say no before. I had no control before, none at all.

I got so used to, it was what was familiar to me. So, I let go again; master helped me do it. He told me that he could fix me. And, he was able to help me with something. I'm no longer a disappointment, and I don't have to make decisions for myself.

He makes me feel different when I'm with him. It's better…more intense, and more pleasurable.

Although, a pair of gray eyes make me forget all about him. Eyes that I felt could see through me, like he knew my pain. It was like he knew I was hiding, hiding from my past. He makes my stomach flutter at the thought of him. I've never had this kind of attraction to a boy before. With master, I only felt safe; never like this. The grey eyed boy, not only makes me feel safe, but something I've never felt before. It's a foreign feeling, and I find myself enjoying it.

But, I don't think he would want me. I'm fifty shades of fucked up, no one wants me. I don't even know why master is with me. I won't let him touch my stomach, it's a hard limit. The sides of my stomach are my no goes area. Master understands hard limit, the grey eyed boy would never. He would touch me, I wouldn't have any control.

It would hurt, I know it would. It burns, as fresh as the first time, whenever someone touches it. I'm broken, unfixable; only ever, somewhat repaired. That's what I am, somewhat repaired. I still have my demons, and I feel as if they will never leave me.

When will they ever go away? Will I always be this broken? Will someone fix me? Why am I so fucked up? The questions I have been asking myself for months, never answered; they run through my head. I curl back up in the blankets, and I cry. It hurts so bad, I just want to be fixed again. I want to be like before this ever happened. I find myself crying harder as I think about my fate.

I start to wonder about the gray eyed boy again, and suddenly I don't feel so alone. Maybe he really does understand my pain. Maybe there's someone just as fucked up as me. I highly doubt anyone could share my pain. But, I find myself comforted by those gray eyes. I fall into a teary eyed sleep, and I'm met with those same gray eyes.

**Christian's POV (Monday)**

I have to go back to the Lincoln's today. Mrs. Lincoln was pretty pissed off, because I didn't wait till Monday to do it. She said she had some more things for me to do around the yard. So, I guess I have to head over there; after school.

I should never have got my parents this upset with me. I wouldn't have to do this yard work shit, if I hadn't. I hate this shit; there are people you can hire for it. I know damn straight I'm never doing this shit in my future. Maybe I'll go into business or something. Not that I'll ever make it there, the way I'm headed. But, I'm still young; I got time to get my shit together. Not that I have a problem with anything I do.

There is one thing good about going to the Lincolns… Mrs. Lincoln is pretty hot for 30. Although, I would much rather have that sexy little brunette. I don't know what it was about her, but I want her. She's beautiful and sexy, at the same time. I don't even know how that's possible, but after seeing her once; I've wanted her more than any girl I've ever seen. Everything was great about her, her wavy brown hair, those blue eyes, and that body. In those shorts, her long sexy legs; and that was in converse, I can't begin to think about what they would look like in heels.

I think I've gotten a hard on at least hundred times over the weekend. That woman, she does things to me. I don't even know how to explain it. She makes me forget about my fucked up past. I've been dreaming about her in more ways than one over the weekend. I've never felt like this… I like this feeling she's giving me... I find myself wanting more.

**Elena's POV (Spa Weekend)**

I know Linc is cheating on me, I just know it. I'm too afraid to confront him… I just can't. I know, I'm not the best wife that there is. But, I never thought he would cheat on me. I was his sub for god's sake; I had never subbed for anyone. I was always a Dom before I met him. He changed me; he wanted me to be somebody I'm not. I guess, I just wasn't good enough. I really thought that by being submissive for him, he would love me.

He did love me, but that's all gone now. Those first few months of our marriage, we were so happy. Both of us left the lifestyle for one another. But, he wanted more; he wanted a sub. He didn't want a wife; at least he didn't want one for long. I just, I don't know where it went wrong.

He asked me to sub for him one day, and I complied; with hesitation. He said that he loved me; he told me we should experience it together. So, we did; and we were happy. We both subbed for each other, and it was amazing. But, then he started drifting away. He started choosing work over me, and treating me as a submissive outside of the playroom.

I was a trophy wife; he wouldn't even let me work. So, I started cheating on him; he didn't even care. He knew about, I made everything so obvious. He waited… he waited, and then he beat me. I remember it so clearly, he was so full of rage. He didn't even beat me because I cheated, it was a business deal. A FUCKING BUISNESS DEAL! It was more important to him. He was done with me, he was over it. I wasn't, I still loved him; but everything changed that night.

It was the first time that I saw the true Linc. It was the night I feel out of love with him. The night, I wanted to divorce the man that I thought I was going to spend forever with. But, I couldn't even do that; not without losing everything.

I wasn't going to let him destroy me; I was going to bring back my Dom. So, that's what I did; and I've been doing it ever since. It's been 5 years since that night happened, and I'm so over it. I'm healed, it took forever; but I'm healed. Sure, I still have to stay with him; but I do what I please. I don't have to listen to him, as long as I don't do anything stupid; everything is okay. He wouldn't want his precious wife getting out of hand, he would lose everything. He didn't want to divorce me either, he knew I would take everything.

And that I would, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to face his wrath again. I may be strong, but I'm not strong enough to handle that. I learned once before...

So, now, here we stay, 5 years later; and in a loveless marriage, a marriage with an agreement. No, I don't like it, I have to admit. Although I don't want to, and as much as I tell myself I don't; I still love him. He will always have a place in my heart… I tell myself love is for fools. I really am a fool, I know it. How could I love a man who wants to beat me? Not in a mutual agreement, but in a twisted way. I would understand if it was in the playroom, but outside of it; I don't understand why. He's not a good Dom, he's the worst that there is. At least to me he is, I don't know about the other girls he's been with. I don't even know if he's with a woman right now.

I suspect he is; I think has for a while now. I just don't want to know the truth; I don't think I could take it. As much as I know it's true, I don't want to believe it. I want to believe he still loves me as much as I love him. In our own, sick twisted way, we love each other. I only slept with other guys to get him to notice me. I don't even know what I was thinking.

I don't think I could ever get over that beating though. That was too much for me, it was my breaking point. As much as I love him, I can't be with him. I'm just not enough for him; I don't even know his needs anymore. What kind of woman does that make me? What kind of woman doesn't know how to please her husband?

As distant as we are, he's still my husband. And I'm still in love, song lyrics come to mind. _Fools in love, are there any creatures more pathetic? Fools in love, never knowing when they lost the game… _This fool really is in love, and I don't even know why. I shouldn't, I know I shouldn't. Fuck, I really am a pathetic sap. I think I've lost my Dom side; I need to get it back.

And I have just the thing…

* * *

**_A/N So, since Christian is 16, and he started his relationship with Elena when he was 15 in the book. I wanted to show that he might be able to get along without her. I don't know where I'm headed with the whole Elena and Christian thing, so I'm keeping my options open. I'm open to your guy's ideas about it. I have something in my mind, but it's not set and stone. But, I think I might stick with it; I sorta like where it's headed. So, just let me know if you have any ideas; that I can take under advisement._**

**_I know Ana's past is a bit much, but I sorta thought this might explain the need for control. I know I reiterated it a ton of times, but she didn't know how to have it. So, when he went to jail; she got her control back. And, well hear more about what happened during that time. Just gotta have some patients with it._**

**_I feel like I rambled with Elena's part. I probably repeated at bunch of things, I'm sorry. Um, I guess this puts another twist in the story. Elena isn't as cold-hearted, yes she's a vindictive bitch; but she does have a heart. Mmm, I wonder what she has in mind ;)_**

**_The number one question, should Elena take Christian's virtue?_**

**_What are all your guy's thoughts about this chapter, and whatnot? Sorry if I bored you, its late, and I wanted to get this out; since I won't be back till Monday. I'll try to work with thee ol' pen and thy paper; whilst I'm away. (Don't ask... it's like 3 in the morning... I'm tired... I say weird things when I'm tired.)_**

**_Song: Inara George — Fools In Love_**

**_Pinterest dot com /fsogfanficlover/fifty-shades-of-fucked-up_**


	3. Her First Day (Part One)

Chapter 3 – Her First Day (Part One)

Ana's POV

**Tuesday**

I have to start at Seattle Prep today, I was so lucky to be out school; now I have to go back. Fucking Bob, he knew someone in the administrator's office, and they got me in midterm. What kind of shit is that? This is supposed to be some Jesus school or something, and there are a bunch of smart kids. I'm not saying I'm not intelligent, I am; I just don't go around and brag about it. I don't need a fucking prep school, its waste of money. They better not try teaching me about heaven and shit, I'll be out the door. I don't need someone telling me what I should believe.

What have I done that I deserve such a shitty life? Mmm, why doesn't someone tell me that? Once god can answer me that; I'll become a fucking nun, but until then I don't give a shit about any of it. I could care less about the whole fucking thing. I don't even give a shit about school anymore, I haven't since I was about 11. It was when mom left Ray for Stephen, and I went to Vegas. God, I hated Vegas… I still hate Vegas.

Now, were back in Seattle; I remember living around here with Ray. It was some small town not far from here, I miss that little place. Ray was my father, the only father I've ever known. Franklin left when I was three, I don't remember much of him. But, Ray, he was well up until my mom left him for Stephen. Ray never did like Stephen, I see why now. He tried to get me to stay, but mom wouldn't let me. She wanted me to come live with her and Stephen. I wish she would have just let me live with Ray.

No, I went to Nevada and lived in my own personal hell. Two years, it took two years for somebody to do something about the abuse. It wasn't even my mom, can you believe that? He beat me so bad; I ended up in the hospital. A neighbor reported a domestic disturbance, because of the noise. When the cop showed up, I knew I had to get help. I yelled, I yelled for my life; I was curled up on the kitchen floor. The last thing I remember is a police officer getting past Stephen and coming to me. I blacked out, that's how bad the beating got.

I was so scared, I knew if I didn't yell I was going to die. I didn't care if he would beat me anymore, I would have been dead. Sometime I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't screamed. I would be in a grave, but I feel like I'm in one now. I feel like I'm buried six feet under and there's no way out. I finally feel safe, but I'm still so scared. I live my life scared, it's something I've had to deal with.

I guess there really is no "getting over it". Sure, you can move past it; but it never goes away. It's still there, in the back of your head. It taunts you day in and day out. He may be behind bars, but he still has me scared. I just want it all to go away sometimes, it's why I drink. When I drink, it all goes away; it doesn't occupy my mind. It makes me feel free, and it takes the pain away. All the pain from the past, and the pain in the present; it all goes away.

But, I haven't done that for a week; I haven't dared. I haven't wanted to be punished. But I find myself needing it, needing that contact it brings. I get a release; I don't really know how to explain it. But the pain, it became necessary at one point. I felt like I deserved it, like I needed it. It sounds so stupid, but it's true. I feel like I don't deserve love, I feel like no one can love me. Who could ever love me? I don't have a heart anymore; I haven't since I was a child. Before the pain and before anything bad ever happened.

I sigh and get out of bed; I'll probably just make the bell at this point. I go into the on suite bathroom and start my morning routine. I have to admit, this house does have it advantages. I have my own bathroom with a heavenly shower, and a walk in closet. Bob had it done for me before we moved in, he even had a personal stylist fill it for me. No, they aren't really my style, but I've made some of it work. Plus, I still have a lot of my old clothes. The only think I packed were my clothes and books. I left the rest, but I do hold dear a couple of pictures that I hid in some of my books.

Another thing about the house is the library. I think besides for my room, that is my favorite room in the house. I have to admit, Bob has a good choice in books. Oh, and the wine cellar; great choices in there to. I may have stolen one or two bottles, nothing expensive; I hope. It's not like he doesn't have enough down there, that thing is fully stocked. He called wine tasting and collecting, a hobby of his. What kind of hobby is that? Well, obviously a rich person hobby. But, fuck; who pays thousands of dollars for a bottle of wine?

I get out of the shower, and head into my closet; to look for something to wear. I've already made this room a mess too, I shoved all of the heels over to one side of the shelf, so that they are piled and cramped on top of each other. What can I say? I needed room for my sneakers, plus I got some damn fine boots; that I needed to make room for. I have jewelry all over the island that's in the middle. I also have my hats that are all over the place, mostly beanies; but I have some flat brim hats too. The clothes have doubled considering there are two wardrobes in here. Most of this shit hasn't even been worn, it's not that I'm ungrateful; I just like what I have better.

I pick a pair of jeans shorts and pair it with some loose black boots. A grey shirt and flannel jacket, along with a pair of ray bans. I go back into my room and look around the pile of mess for my backpack. I find it, and glance at the clock. FUCK, I'm going to be late if I don't hurry my shit up; and get there.

I get downstairs and I'm met with my mom and Bob in the foyer. Oh holy hell, what is this about? Carla knows I don't care to talk to her much anymore, she still thinks it's my fault Stephen went to prison. No, he's not to blame, it's all on me. Every time, she chooses her new husband over me. And, I honestly don't feel comfortable around Bob. He's a good guy and everything, but with what happened with Stephen. I'm not a very trusting person anymore.

"We got you something, Ana." Bob says, with a small smile on his face. I wish I could trust him, he seems so nice. He's went out of his way to make me feel comfortable, and I'm nothing; but an ungrateful bitch. I hate living here, I hate being around Carla. I fight, I drink, and I fuck. Not that anybody knows half the shit I do, and not that they care. But I really am a sulky teenager whose life is going nowhere. Well, maybe a jail cell if I keep up the fighting. What can I say? That bitch had it coming; she shouldn't have fucked with me. I learned to fight back, and defend myself after Stephen. I wasn't going to let that happen again.

I follow them out to the large driveway, and am met with a sexy silver car. HOLY SHIT! No, this can't be right. Why would they get me a car? Well, maybe Carla finally feels guilty. _Doubt it._ I guess; Bob is just trying to be nice. He has a lot of money to spend, maybe he likes wasting it or something. I don't fucking know, but if this is my car… DAMN. "Do you like it?" Bob asks, and I want to scream. "This is fucking amazing." I say, and glide my hand across the ca. "Ana" Carla says; oh you have got to be fucking kidding me. Can't make mommy dearest look bad, now can we? "I'm sorry" I say, in a sickly sweet tone and continue. "I can't accept this Bob, it's too much." I really can't, I mean; it's not right to take his money.

"Of course you can. I bought it a few months back, and I've only drove it twice. Anyway, I got a new car; and you need something to get to and from school in." He says, and places a pair of keys in my hand. I still a bit at his touch. I don't like being touched, well as long as it isn't in the no go areas. But, I'm still scared someone might overstep boundaries. I don't know what I would do if that happened. I think, in this moment; if I could, I would hug Bob. He's being so nice to me, and he gave me a fucking car.

"Thank you, Bob. I should get going then, I'm going to be late." I say sweetly again, I would want to be a little shit now. He did just buy me an expensive car. I hop in the car and turn it on, fuck; I think I'm in love. I type the schools address into the GPS, and I'm on my way.

I hop on the 520, and jam to the stereo; while I drive. An old song that I used to love comes on, and I crank the stereo; listening to the lyrics.

**_Cursing the life of 20 generations after her soul_**

**_Exactly what'd happen if I ain't continued rapping_**

**_Or steady being distracted by money drugs and four_**

**_Fives, I count lives all on these songs_**

**_Look at the weak and cry, pray one day you'll be strong_**

**_Fighting for your rights, even when you're wrong_**

**_And hope that at least one of you sing about me when I'm gone_**

**_Now am I worth it? Did I put enough work in?_**

I turn the car off, and grab my bag from the passenger seat. I look out the windshield, and I notice that I'm not even late. I look at the clock and see that I have a few minutes until the bell rings. Well, fuck; I could have slept in longer. I sigh, and make my way out of the car. I throw my book bag over my shoulder and proceed to make my way across the campus to McDonnell Hall. They have the office's there, and I need to get a schedule for my classes.

I notice a couple of stares, from some of the students sitting in the quad; on the grass. I'm glad that I'm wearing my ray bans, I feel a bit masked by them. I can't help but notice some leering looks by some of the guys. Jesus Christ, some of their girlfriends are right next to them; so it seems. I notice one girl hit the guy sitting next to, and I inwardly grin. They are acting like they haven't seen shorts before, although compared to what some of these girls are wearing; I would doubt it. They all look all look to be dressing a little conservatively, oh well, guess I didn't get the memo. Oh right, I keep forgetting this is some church school. Well, that would explain the huge fucking cross on a building nearby. It kind of screams, I love Jesus.

I don't know if I'm going to last it here, I hate it already. By the time I make it to the resource center, I'm starting to get annoyed by people staring at me. I've gotten this before though, everyone want to know who the new girl is. Every time, the rumors get worse. I think once, someone asked if I was in gang. I mean, I only got kicked out of a few schools. Mostly for fighting, although I did show up to school drunk once. It was a total misunderstanding, okay, not really; but expulsion? Really? That seems a bit extreme in my book.

Once I deal with the, all too stuffy secretary; I'm asked to go to the principal's office. I roll my eyes under my ray bans; I didn't even do anything yet. That's when I run into, the last person I thought I would see; gray eyes. Holy fuck, my memory didn't do him justice. "Miss. Steele" I'm pulled out of my thoughts by an angry-looking woman, in a very unflattering outfit. Dear god, this woman wouldn't know fashion if it slapped it in her face. It doesn't even match, is she blind, or did she just have a two-year old dress her today? I pass by gray eyes, who's looking at me like I'm a piece of meat. Really, buddy? _Well, you were just staring at him._ Well, I didn't make it that obvious; plus he can't see me through my sunglasses.

I'm not even sure why I'm still wearing them inside, but I'm glad that I am. I make it into the office and push my sunglasses on top of my head. Wouldn't want to be rude to Mrs. I Don't Know How To Dress. I don't even listen to her talking, I just smile and nod. God, this is torture. She finally lets me go, schedule in hand. I look down at it "You've gotta be fucking kidding me." Opps, did I just say that out loud? "Excuse me? We don't tolerate that kind of language around here." She says, making me want to slap the bitch.

What the hell is the word 'fuck' going to do to her? Oh no, she might burn in hell; for my mouth. "I'm sorry but, I don't think I can comply with this whole chapel thing." I say, innocently; what kind of crap is this? Church isn't even school, they get away with this? "Oh, and why is that Miss. Steele?" she asks, sarcastically; obviously not liking the fact I think this is bullshit. I roll my eyes, and answer back snarkily. I know I'm being a bitch, but I don't even want to be. It's not my fault that Carla wouldn't let me go to public school. She always goes along with whatever her new husband says. Always above me, it's sad really… if I even cared about her anymore. I sorta got over it, and got used to it. She really is a pathetic excuse for a mother.

In the snarkiest tone I can muster, I answer her question; and ramble off all the reasons I don't believe in god.

"I do not believe in God because it seems both illogical and unnecessary. According to the believers, their God is an all-powerful and almighty force. However, despite this, their God allows for huge amounts of suffering and disease. Also, if I were to believe in God, logically speaking I would have to believe in a wide range of other entities for which there is no evidence, including pixies, goblins and gnomes, etc. It's a long list and I don't have room in my head for all of them. So, I am happy to believe that there is no God. We are just insignificant lumps of carbon flying through a tiny section of the universe."

I say and walk out of her office, bitch; I have my beliefs. I'm not going to sit in a chapel, and sing my mighty praises to a guy who had all this power; and couldn't help one innocent soul… for two years. I prayed to be saved for two years, two of the longest years of my life. And it took nearly dying to be saved.

I make my way to across the now empty campus, to St. Ignatius Hall. Who the fuck come up with these names? God, I'm about to walk out of this bitch. I make my way up to art wing; I have "Video Production" until 10:20. Well, at least it won't be all that bad. Create some films, and get some grades… should be pretty easy.

I walk into the class while the teacher is mid-sentence, and everyone turns their heads towards me. Great… more attention, I was hoping to stay under the radar at this school. "Miss. Steele, so nice of you to join us. Please, take your seat." He says and I look around the room. There's only one seat left at the table near the back. A raven haired girl; and a girl with strawberry blonde hair are sitting with…him. Holy, shit.

* * *

**A/N So, I ended up staying home; and I wanted to update some stories. Um, I'll try to get Part 2 done soon. Erm, Christian's Monday will be revealed in the next chapter... I think. I don't know, I haven't really planned anything yet. Well, except for the beginning... I'll probably switch views or something. I don't want to keep you guys worried to much longer, but I promise there is nothing to fret about. So, er, let me know what you think.**

**God Speech: Richard Wiseman - Psychologist**

**Song: Kendrick Lamar - Sing About Me, I'm Dying Of Thirst**

**Pinterest dot com /MidnightSteele/fifty-shades-of-fucked-up/**


	4. Her First Day (Part Two)

Chapter 4 – Her First Day (Part Two)

Ana's POV

**Tuesday**

I make my way towards the seat while the teacher begins to talk again. I'm not even listening to what he's saying, I don't really care. I'm sitting in between the copper haired god, and the blonde. The raven haired girl is sitting across from me. I take the ray bans from atop my head and lazily set them down on the table, causing a quite clattering sound. I drop my backpack on the floor, and I now notice that the teacher has stopped talking. Everyone at the table is looking at me with a different expression. Raven haired girl is looking at me like I'm the tooth fairy, the blonde is looking at me with slight disdain, and the gray eyed god is looking at me the same way as he was before.

I guess the new girl is a pretty exciting this in this school. God only knows just how much excitement there must be in this school. This this is going to be a fun year…

**Christian's POV**

I saw I was seeing things in the office. I can't believe I got this lucky to get her in my class. I may hate this school along with classes, but I think I found my favorite hour of the day. While the blue eyed beauty drops her bag on the ground, I give a 'help me' look to Mia. I want to talk to this girl, but I don't know what to say. Mia will be a good proxy, she's good with people. Mia understands what I'm silently saying, and she looks at me like I have three heads. I know I've never really showed interest in anybody, but I can't help it being all written over my face with this girl.

She seems different, and I don't know how to explain it. All I know is… I want something I've thought I would be able to have. I want the hearts and flowers thing that everyone else has. I've never been with a girl, and I could see myself being with her. For god's sake, I've only ever been kissed by a pedophile. Yeah, Mrs. Lincoln is hot and everything but I didn't want her or anything. She's as old as my mother, and she's married! That woman was fucking crazy! Who the hell slaps someone before they kiss them? When she did, all I could think about was how wrong it was. It wasn't this goddess sitting next to me, and that made all the difference.

_"Why don't you just hire a gardener for this shit?" I ask annoyed as hell, I don't want to sit here and do this shit. I want to go find out who that girl is; I don't want to rake some fucking leaves in this huge ass yard. Out of nowhere there is a loud smack and a burning sensation on my face. Then I feel her kissing me, fuck, what the hell? I pull away disgusted, why the fuck would she do that?_

_"What the fuck?" I yell and throw the rake down; I'm done with this shit. "I'm not doing this fucking yard work. Find somebody else, I'm done. And don't even think about trying to get Grace to get me to step foot on this property again." I yell in her face, and then walk down the stairs. I'm almost away from the bitch when I turn around and yell again. "Don't think I would tell her about what you did, you sick fuck. You better watch yourself bitch, or you'll find yourself in some deep shit._

_Yes, I think I handled that well…fuck. I don't even understand what the fuck just happened. She really is one sick twisted bitch. Go dammit, now I'm never going to find out who she was. She's been haunting my dreams all weekend… in a good way. I haven't had one nightmare… although; I did have a different kind of dream. Who would have thought you could dream about sex? That was the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't help but wonder if the real thing is like that. That girl was pretty damn sexy in my dream; I bet the real thing is better. Mmm… I wonder who she is… I wonder if she would do that with me…_

Now, if this girl even kissed me… I don't know what I would do. Fuck, I would do anything just to kiss her. She really is killing me here, especially in those shorts. God, I want her so bad… I wish I knew what to do. I have no idea how to even talk to her. I feel like a fucking idiot, this doesn't happen to me. I don't act this way. I have girls falling at my feet, and I'm sitting here begging her to just look at me. Mia, hurry your shit up and find me more information about this girl. I swear, when I'm older I'm going to pay people for this sorta shit.

Her ray bans clatter a bit on the table, and she sits with her elbows on the table and her hands are holding her head up. She's looking questionably at Mia who's now looking at her with an awe expression; no doubt because she knows I like her. Fuck, why did I ask for help? She's going to tell everyone… bad move, Grey.

"I'm Mia, and this is my brother Christian." She says, and points to me making her blue eyes turn to me. I think I'm starting with my mouth open now, because she smirks. What the fuck? She turns back to Mia and listens to the rest of her ramblings. "And this is Kate; she's a friend of mine…" Mia continues talking 90 miles per second while this girl looks at her with wide blue eyes. Dammit Mia, this isn't what I meant. I want to know about HER, not fucking Kavanagh.

"…So, where are you from?" Mia finally finishes talking about Kate, Ethan, and Elliot. Thanks for mentioning me once sis. Fuck, I'm going to get nowhere if I have Mia talking for me. Ugh, how the hell do you do this? "Um… Vegas." She says, looking at Mia as if she's curious about something. "OMG, Las Vegas? That's so cool!" Mia says excitedly, and just as she is about to talk again; Kate chimes in. "If you want to go to hell" she says under her breath, even though everyone around the table hears her.

Goddess's head snaps to hers, and Kate visibly shrinks at her glare. Holy fuck, this girl is even hot when she's pissed. Although, I wouldn't blame her Kavanagh has been standoffish since she sat down. "Don't believe what you've seen on TV, and who are you to judge anyone?" Goddess snaps, oh shit, she's got a temper. It works for her though, and I can't say Kate didn't have it coming. She's always been a pretty big bitch to everyone. "Oh, I don't have to judge you; God will judge you for your sins." Kate says, and I myself want to smack her. She's always been a suck up around here; the principle fucking loves her.

"First of all, I thought that Jesus guy paid for all my sins. Why the fuck should I care what I do now? Secondly, I'm pretty sure you just did just judge me, with that snotty ass attitude saying 'if you want to go to hell'. I'm sure god is up there in those puffy white clouds praising your ass right now for that statement. Maybe you should worry about your own shit, and not try to fuck with me. I've already started with a shitty day by getting snickered at, by the bitch who don't know how to dress. I don't want your shit, okay? So, leave me the fuck alone before I pound your face into the ground." She says and with that, she picks up her sunglasses and bag; and storms out of the room, slamming the door behind her. I see and hear Mr. P going after her, calling out "Miss. Steele". I turn my attention back to Mia, who is now staring open-mouthed at the door; along with everyone else. I don't think anybody but me has ever had the balls to do something like that.

"Holy fuck" I say surprised, and Mia's attention goes back to me. "You like her Chris, don't you?" Mia says excitedly, but to my luck the bell goes off announcing that we have fucking chapel. I hurriedly make my out of the classroom, not answering Mia. I want to find her; she gets more intriguing by the minute.

**Ana's POV**

Fuck, I'm so sick of stuck up bitches. Where the hell does she get off on saying that people who've lived in Vegas deserve to go to hell? I'm not saying I like Vegas or anything; I really hate that fucking place. Hell, I think it's the worst place I've ever lived. There are a lot of bad memories there… way too many bad memories. I think I just didn't want to deal with another new bitch at another new school. I've dealt with stuck up snobs before… and it never ended well for them.

I wasn't trying to be a bitch to her, but I never even wanted to be here. First with the fucking, 'follow Jesus' principle, and then her getting all Jesus on me. I just… snapped. I'm always so angry… even for no reason at all. I project all my fucked-up-ness on other people. It's something I've done a lot, I put a wall; and nobody's ever been able to break it.

I notice that everyone is still in class, so I decide to take my own little break. I'm not going back to the class, and I don't feel like going home to that house. I find a spot in the middle of the now empty quad, and lay down. I throw my ray bans back on to block out the sun, and start to watch the clouds pass by. My hands are folded across my stomach, with my elbows in the grass. I'm comfortable just sitting here staring up at the sky for a couple of hours, until the fucking bell rings. Fuck it, I'm not moving, I'm pretty sure I saw chapel on the schedule next. I already told Mrs. Uptight that I'm not doing that shit.

I sigh, and watch as the clouds float by. They really are peaceful, and they make me forget about things for a minute. I close my eyes, and reveal in this rare peaceful moment. I don't know how long I lay there until the light fades away. I open my eyes, and see gray eyed boy standing above me. Right, Christian, whatever. My eyes widen a bit at his presence, but he doesn't know that, I smirk inwardly. "Has anyone told you it's rude to stare?" I question teasingly… I know I'm treading in dangerous waters… but I find myself not being able to stop it.

"Mmm, I guess someone forgot." He says smirking, and then he gestures to the ground next to me. "Can I sit?" he asks, and it's my turn to smirk. "I don't own the ground." His smirk turns into a grin "I thought it would be polite to ask, since you so rudely caught me staring…" I find myself mimicking his facial expression, and he sits next to me. "So what are you staring at out here, while everyone else is in chapel?" he asks, sitting Indian style next to me. "Lay down." I say and his eyes widen "On the grass… next to me… look up." I explain, is he an idiot? What the fuck did he think I was going to do? Jump on top of him?

He hesitantly lies on the ground next to me, and this time he's a bit closer; but not to close. I point up at the sky, he still doesn't get it. "I see a baby elephant." I say pointing to the cloud with a chubby body and head, and a short long cloud attached to the head shape and looks like a small trunk. I turn my head towards him and see his brow furrows a bit, as he focuses on the cloud. "I don't see it" he says angrily trying to focus on it harder. He's really trying to see it, I can't help but giggle. His head whips to me, and I start giggling uncontrollably. I don't know why, but that was the funniest thing I've ever seen. He had this cute pouty face on…did I just say cute?

When my giggling subsides, I don't even look at him; I just turn my attention back to the clouds with the stupidest grin on my face. I start explaining the cloud, and I turn to look at him mid-sentence to see him looking at the clouds with a new perspective. He looks like he understands it, and by the time I'm done he turns his face back to me. Lying side by side, heads half on the grass, and gray eyes to blue. "I see it now" He says looking at me with a new expression on his face. I quickly snap out of my daze that had me staring at this beautiful man; and go back to my clouds.

I point to another when I see one that looks like the upper half of a kangaroo. He surprises me by pointing to one that looks like part of a bunny. We continue this back and forth finding a dolphin, and either a shark or a fish, neither of us can agree on which one it is. We both start bickering about who is right while pointing to different parts of the cloud. By the time were done, neither of us are the least bit swayed. I still say it's a damn shark, but Mr. Adonis just has to be right. "Ugh, whatever, It's a fucking shark, get over it." I say exasperated, I don't feel like fighting over a fucking cloud. I hear him say "It's a fish" under his breath, pissing me off even more. "Bastard" I say under my breath, knowing he can hear me.

I see his head turn to me out of the corner of my eye, but I continue look at the clouds. "Hey look its Pacman!" I exclaim pointing to another cloud, effectively distracting him. By the time were done finding clouds, we become aware of others around us. Oh, it must be lunch already. I sit up and put my backpack over one of my shoulders. Then I stand wiping my shorts of excess grass, and smile at Christian who's now sitting up looking at me bemused.

"Goodbye, Christian" I say, walking away from a shocked Christian. I really don't wanna go to class anymore. And as much as I want to spend more time with him, nothing good will come from it…

**Christian's POV**

She just left… I can't believe it. What the fuck? Wait, I didn't even get to know her fucking name. We just talked about the fucking clouds. Goddamn fish distracted me. Well, it wasn't the fish… it was her. I thought I was going to expire at that giggle. It was so goddamn cute, the most heavenly sound. And that smart mouth of hers… she called me a bastard. I don't think anyone's ever been that blunt with me. And she made me see things differently when she got me to look up. It was like she found what she was looking for, like the clouds were all she needed. I felt so free with her, like none of the shit in my past even mattered. I found myself wanting to spend more time with her… I found myself wanting more of her.

* * *

**_A/N Sorry if there are a lot of mistakes, I wrote this when I was super tired. I wanted to keep ya'll calm about what happened with Elena, so I hope you liked what happened. I put some more pictures on the Pinterest page. So... er, let me know what you guys think._**

**_Pinterest dot com /MidnightSteele/fifty-shades-of-fucked-up/_**


	5. Her Name Is…

**_A/N Okay, so I loved the reviews on the last chapter; I just wanted to go over some of them. I know, I don't say them all on here, but I read and love them all. The fact that you guys put in the time to send them is pretty damn great. So, I love that everyone is liking the story; and putting in some feedback on it. So, ya'll are great for just reading this story._**

**_So, I really wish I knew who sent this in; but atlas they were a guest. So, I'm just going to touch on a few things they said. Kate, she's not a Jesus as I made her out to be. You will soon find out why she was so snotty towards Ana. Maybe someone will be able to guess it before I write it ;) But, Kate's just being the semi good girl for now. This is high school and obviously a big spin on FSOG, so there're personalities are going to change a bit. But, I plan to mix some of their old selves and this self. Anyway, Kate will be explained more soon; just wanted to give you that._**

**_About Elena, yes well Christian is a bit older than was he was in the book. So, I think he would get a little more knowledge. I mean, he didn't find it strange that she slapped him before she kissed him? Although, in the book he said he she was a hot older woman and he was intrigued and turned on by the kiss. In here, he does indeed to tell her to fuck off. Well, he did get a glimpse of Ana before she kissed him to…_**

**_Yes, Ana is affected by Christian… I mean, who wouldn't be? But, she also gets what she thinks she needs from Linc. Like you guys said, she feels like Christian did when he was in a relationship with Elena. So, I wouldn't say she's ashamed of it; but she's not shouting it in the streets either. _**

**_Ray, I've got some ideas with him. Obviously, Ana was basically ripped away from him. He practically raised her and treated her as his own. He was the only father shed ever known. I do plan to use him in this story; it might take some time though._**

**_Er, I hope that answered your questions…otherwise, just ask them. Um, I hope you guys enjoy, let me know what you think_**

**_Feel free to add me on Facebook _** **_/FSOGFanFicLover_**

**_I also have the Pinterest page updated, so don't forget to follow it /MidnightSteele/fifty-shades-of-fucked-up/_**

Chapter 5 – Her Name Is…

Christian's POV

**Tuesday**

The rest of the day is a blur, and I find myself getting lost in thoughts of the mysterious blue-eyed girl. I never even got her fucking name. Fuck, we must have been talking for almost an hour, and I don't even know anything about her. She got be distracted, by fucking clouds; and that giggle. It keeps resounding in my head, over and over. And those eyes, I felt like somehow they saw right through me. I saw and felt so many things in those eyes.

I felt like they not only saw through me, but they understood me, like they knew me. I don't even know how it's possible, but I found myself wanting to look into them more. I felt… I don't even know how to explain it. All these feelings that this girl brings are making me so confused. Everything seems so alien to me. I don't know what to do or how to act. I find myself hating it, and loving it at the same time. There was just something about her, and I can't explain it.

**Wednesday **

**Ana's POV**

I wake up with the worst hangover I've ever experienced. I drank last night to forget about Christian, and it didn't even work. Now I just feel like shit, and he is still haunting my thoughts. I know I shouldn't have drank that much, but I just wanted to forget. I kept thinking about those eyes, and the time we spent together. Granted it may not have been long, and we were just looking at clouds. I've never enjoyed spending time with someone like that. It felt different, and I find myself wanting to do it again.

But surely no good could come of this. I can't even begin to think about the punishment that could follow. Just by my actions yesterday, I would be punished. Master doesn't share what's his, and if he knew I were having these thoughts about Christian he would be furious. I don't blame him; I don't even know where they're coming from. He can't give me what I need, and I'm not good for him. I'm fifty shades of fucked up, and I don't know how to do the whole relationship thing. I fuck, hard… and I don't make love or do relationships.

I've been with several people before master, but those weren't relationships. And there wasn't any BDSM… it was just sex. There wasn't even any touching; I've never been able to do that. The first person who tried to touch me… it was horrible. I relived the memories from Stephen, and there was a burning sensation. After I realized I couldn't be touched, I made sure it never happened. When I started having sex, consented that is, I tied their hands. It was the only thing I could do to feel safe. They never minded, and they never asked questions. They didn't care, and it honestly didn't bother me.

I don't know why I even had those relationships. Although, I never really did learn control until I met master. He taught me control, and most of my bad behavior stopped. It has only been a couple of weeks, so I still find myself having setbacks. The pain has always been semi tolerable up until this point. And at some point in time I found myself craving it. I feel as if I deserve the punishment. I'm a fuck up, and I don't deserve love. After everything I've faced in life, I don't see why I would. I'm worthless, and it's not like my life matters. Nobody cares about me; hell my mother doesn't even care about me. I'm undeserving of love, and he told me so many times.I don't know why I still let his words affect me, I know it's stupid. But I can't help feel it's true.

I just need to stay away from him; I can't be what he needs, and he can't give me what I need. It's never going to work, so I just need to forget about him. It won't be easy, but I have to stay away. It's not going to be easy, I find myself drawn to him. I don't know what it is, but it makes it hard to stay away. I sigh and get out of bed; it's going to be a long day. The sun is already hurting my eyes, and I have a massive headache.

After a steaming shower I dress in a printed skirt, and button up shirt. I pair it with a matching belt and sandals, grabbing a messenger bag for my books. I braid my hair to the side, and put on a pair of sunglasses. My head still hurts, and the sunglasses are necessary at this point.

I make it to school a little late, and had straight to Video Production. I still feel like shit, and I'm starting to wish I would have just stayed home. I don't even care if I get kicked out of this school, I really hate it here. I'm not going to be going to church anytime soon, and I highly doubt they are going to like that very much. Mrs. Jesus seemed pretty pissed at me for not being all "Praise the Lord". When I told her to shove it, I thought she was going to have a coronary. I refuse to go to waste my time going to church, I don't believe in God; therefore I have no reason to go. I don't want anything to do with him, and that includes going here. This place is like prison, only they are pushing their beliefs onto me.

So if I get kicked out of here, it won't be that big of a deal. At least not to me anyway, I doubt Carla and Bob will like the trouble of enrolling me into a new school. Carla hates having to deal with the problems I cause. So I find the more problems I make, the funnier it is to see her get pissed off. Carla's parenting skills are something to laugh at. She only does it when she has to, and even then, it's pretty pathetic. I get kicked out of a school, she bitches at me because she has to put me in another one. I go out and cause trouble, she bitches at me when the cops show up at her door. So it's really only when I do something that causes her trouble, when she gets upset. And she doesn't even get upset about what I did, she's only mad because it makes her have some involvement in my life.

I remember when the cops showed up at her door once; it was when I got caught out at a party. The cop didn't really do all that much, but I got an underage drinking. And Carla got a talking to, from the cop. When he finally left, she yelled at me because I disturbed her evening; and made her look bad. She was more upset over her reputation, rather than the fact I started my criminal record that day. It has definitely accumulated since then, and my record is pretty colorful at this point; habitual truancy, possession of marijuana, petty theft, trespassing, and vandalism.

I suppose it didn't help that my mother never cared. I'm not going to blame her for my screw-ups, but I'm not going to say she didn't have a part in it. I always wonder sometimes "what if". What if she would have protected me against Stephen? Or what if she would have cared about me? I honestly lost all respect for Carla though. And she's a piss poor excuse of a mother.

When I enter the class almost everyone's heads turn up from their computers. Well, what a lively class this is… it seemed much less stuffy yesterday. "Miss. Steele late again" the teacher sighs, and I roll my eyes under my sunglasses. This light is still killing my eyes, and his voice probably isn't this loud. "Grab a computer and take a seat. We are working on the project we started yesterday." Fuck, we started a project yesterday? No wonder why he was talking. Shit, I wasn't listening and I left early. This is just great, I guess I'll just fuck around on the computer for a bit, it's not like I care about some project anyway.

I sit down, and set the laptop on the table. I turn the computer on, and while it loads I pull my messenger bag over my head; dropping it on the ground, I turn back to the computer. Pushing the computer back some, I prop my head up with my left arm staring with boredom at the screen. Just then, I hear the worst sound in the world.

"Are you always late to class?" I decide to ignore her, and load up the internet.

"It's really rude to ignore people." Well, if you don't ask stupid questions that don't deserve answers; I wouldn't ignore you. Not to mention you're a bitch, and I don't want to talk to you. I open up Facebook, and look through the news feed. I mostly have people who I used to hang out with in Vegas on here, but I have a couple of people I met in Seattle. I don't have any people added who go to this school, considering it's my second day. But I am starting to like Mia, and I wouldn't mind hanging out with her. Plus, her brother is quite the site. And just when I think she is about to shut up, she decides to talk again; making my head pound even worse.

"You're not even doing your project." God, is this bitch serious right now?

"Is it my hangover, or is her voice always that annoying." I ask not looking at her, and directing my attention toward Mia. She has a small smile on her lips, but her eyes widen at my confession. Yes, I came to school with hangover; and I'm deeply regretting it right now.

"I'm still here you know." She snaps back at me in a bitchy attitude. Uh-oh she's getting angry now, I'm so very scared. I inwardly roll my eyes; this bitch won't know what's coming when I knock her ass to the ground.

"I don't really care, you know." I say, doing a perfect imitation of her voice; still not looking at her.

"You're like, really rude." She sounds like a cliche preppy girl right now. And her voice is really annoying me, which is definitely not making this headache any better.

"You're like, really annoying." I say, again imitating her. I know I'm being childish, but she's a bitch. And it's actually really funny knowing that she's getting angry.

"Are you going to stop that? It's really irritating."

"So is your voice, are you going to stop that?"

"Stop what?" she asks dumbfounded, is she kidding, or is she really this stupid.

"Talking! You abominable twat!" I yell back at her, finally looking at her; she looks like a sear caught in headlights. Yeah bitch, I snapped… despite my pounding headache. Doesn't she know when to shut up? She gasps, as does almost everyone else in the class. "Miss. Steele!" the teacher exclaims, and I roll my eyes. Somebody call the god squad, I just said twat… God's going to spite me for my language.

"I know you're new here, but we don't use that kind of language; it's unacceptable and it be tolerated. With that being said, if it happens again I will send you to the office." Well, that was shocking… I thought for sure that outburst was going to land me in the principal's office. Not saying that I would have went, in fact, I probably would have gone home at this point. But it was still shocking he didn't send me to Miss. Head Bitch.

"I can't believe you just said that." Mia quietly exclaims, and I see Kate roll her eyes in my peripheral vision. I shrug not really caring, and go back to my computer. I hear some murmuring, but I don't bother to look up. I don't really care if people want to talk about me. It's probably just Kate bitching to Mia anyway. "Do you want to come over after school? I can help you with your project." Mia says excitedly, making me look up and I see Christian looking at her oddly. Um… okay? He turns back to his computer, and there's an unnamed emotion on his face. I decide to ignore it, and accept the offer.

"Um, sure… that would be great. Thanks Mia."

"Anytime…" She trails off, oh, right; she doesn't know my name, does she?

"It's Ana" I say, and her grin gets wider.

"I'm happy to help, Ana. I know what it's like being the new kid." She says, and her eyes dart to Christian. He looks a bit sheepish when she scowls a bit at him. That's really… odd.

I make my way out of the classroom, and decide to go to Peyton Hall. It has the library in it, and I would rather be there than chapel. The library is a fair size, and I find a comfortable looking chair that's somewhat isolated. I pull my bag over my head, and set it on the ground next to me after pulling out my copy of _Wuthering Heights_. I find a comfortable position and read the book I have read so many times before.

**Christian's POV**

She sits down at the table, and I can't help but admire her beauty. Her legs look even better in the skirt she's wearing. I'm rudely brought out of my daydream by the snotty Katherine Kavanagh.

"Are you always late to class?" Goddess doesn't answer her, and continues looking at her computer. I can't help the smirk that plays across my face. This girl isn't going to put up with Kavanagh's shit.

"It's really rude to ignore people." Again, she doesn't even answer her. Katherine is getting even more pissed. It's actually really funny that she's getting this mad. It doesn't even seem to be affecting goddess.

Kate leans over, and looks at whatever it is that's on goddess' screen. "You're not even doing your project." She says in that bitchy tone, and I'm amazed at what happens next.

"Is it my hangover, or is her voice always that annoying." She doesn't look at Kate, and she asks Mia. I'm a bit shocked myself at her admission. She drinks? I mean, I'm not being a hypocrite. But I find myself oddly protective over this girl. And why do I keep calling her a goddess? It's probably because I don't even know her name. Grey, who are you kidding? She is a goddess.

The action makes Katherine even more upset, and she snaps again.

"I'm still here you know."

"I don't really care, you know." Goddess imitates her perfectly, and I find myself still smirking. She isn't even bothering to look at the steaming Katherine.

"You're like, really rude." Dear god, I don't have the hangover, and she still sounds annoying to me.

"You're like, really annoying." Goddess imitates her again

"Are you going to stop that? It's really irritating."

"So is your voice, are you going to stop that?" Goddess asks, and I swear Katherine Kavanagh is beyond dumb right now.

"Stop what?" Is she kidding right now?

"Talking! You abominable twat!" Goddess yells back at her, making everyone else in the room gasp. I think I'm the only one who doesn't have my moth on the floor, although my eyes do widen at her outburst.

"Miss. Steele!" Mr. Parker exclaims "I know you're new here, but we don't use that kind of language; it's unacceptable and it be tolerated. With that being said, if it happens again I will send you to the office." Damn, she got a warning. I thought she was going to get kicked out. Well, Mr. Parker is a pretty laid back guy; I thought for sure he wouldn't let that one slide.

"I can't believe you just said that." Mia quietly exclaims, and Kate rolls her eyes. She's still pissed about goddess calling her out. Damn I really need to know her name; I can't hold a conversation with her and call her goddess. She'll think I'm some kind of creep, or that I'm crazy or something. When she shrugs and goes back to her computer, I decide to get Mia's help

This may be a stupid Idea, but I find it hard to form words around this girl. And, I don't really want to come out and ask "So, What's your name?" It would probably come out, and I would be stuttering at this point. This woman makes me lose all my words, and my mind just goes. It's that thing I can't explain; it's something about this girl. She's the only one who I act this way around, the only one who makes me feel this way, and the only one who can do this to me. And the only way to explain it is witchcraft.

My eyes are begging Mia to do something, and I start murmuring "Please, help me" to her. She figured out I liked her yesterday, but luckily she hasn't blabbed about it yet. I swear, I thought she was going to combust at the dinner table last night; when mom asked us how school was. I shot Mia a death glare, and made sure she didn't say anything. They would never let it go if they found out I liked a girl. Hell, it's hard enough trying to get Mia to shut up about it.

I'm thankful that she decided to help me, though. And god, how thankful I am right now; I could probably bow down at her feet. Do you want to come over after school? I can help you with your project." Genius Mia, I'll get to see her again. This is so fucking great, please say yes, please say yes; I inwardly beg her to accept.

I'm looking at my computer, feeling a myriad of emotions.

"Um, sure… that would be great. Thanks Mia." Yes, I want to fist pump in the air right now.

"Anytime…" Mia trails off, and I know she's trying to get her name. Great, I'll finally be able to talk to her without looking like a complete idiot.

"It's Ana" Goddess says, and I see Mia's grin get wider; way to be subtle Mia. "I'm happy to help, Ana. I know what it's like being the new kid." Mia says glaring at me, and I know she's talking about how many schools I got kicked out of. Mom transferred her to whatever school I was moved to, and that brought us to Seattle Prep. I feel contrite, I hate that I did that to Mia.

When we get let out of class, I notice Ana going in the opposite direction of everyone else. She's skipping chapel again? Well, I can't say I blame her. Last time she looked at clouds… I wonder what she's doing this time. I see her go into the library and I contemplate following her. I want to talk to her like I did yesterday. I decide to go in after her, and see her sitting down. When I get closer, I notice she has a tattered copy of _Wuthering Heights_.

"She burned too bright for this world." I quote, and she smirks but doesn't look up.

"I'm wearying to escape into that glorious world, and to be always there; not seeing it dimly through tears, and yearning for it through the walls of an aching heart; but really with it, and in it." She quotes back to me, and finally looks up at me. I'm met with her blue eyes, and it's feels like they can see into my soul.

"Skipping chapel?" I ask, and she shrugs in response.

"It's not really my thing" She says nonchalantly, and I smirk.

"But Emily Brontë is?" I ask, and she giggles. I don't think I could ever get tired of that sound.

"Is it so hard to believe that I could love the classics?" She asks, and her voice full of mirth. I sit in the chair adjacent to her. "No, I'm a fan of them myself" I say truthfully, I love classic novels… this girl is getting better by the minute. Any teenage girl around my age only reads Twilight or The Hunger Games series. "I think I've always loved books…" She says almost wistfully, and then turns back to her book. She looks like she's to remember something. Her brow is furrowed, and her eyes are towards the book; but I can tell she's miles away right now. Her expression is blank, but yet so full of emotion.

Fuck, what do I say now? She doesn't even seem to notice that I'm still sitting here. Do I just leave? I don't really know what to say right now. What made her react like that? Did I do something? She just said something about loving books. Jeez... she really is confusing. I just want to know more about her. But she seems kind of closed off. And it's making it hard for me to get to know anything about her. I'm usually the closed off one, I never want anyone in. But with this girl, that all changed, and now I'm the one who's an open book. But I can't even find an open window here. I really like her, and she brings all these strange feelings. I just want to figure them out… I want to be with her. I'll take her anyway I can get her at this point. It may be hard to be her friend without wanting something more, but I would do it if it meant she would talk to me. If it meant I could at least spend more time with her, I would settle for friendship. It might kill me, but it would be worth it.

I sigh, and decide I should just leave. I'm going to see her later, so maybe I can come up with something then. I need to think of some way that I can figure out more about her. But that isn't going to happen now. So, I'm going to have to wait… I hate waiting.

"I'm going to go… I'll see you later, Ana." I say, and she responds by saying something unintelligible. I take that as my cue to go, and leave her sitting there with her thoughts. I wish I could stay, but I'm in enough trouble for skipping chapel two days in a row. It was worth it though; I would pay a million dollars just to spend a minute with that girl. What is about her that makes me feel this way?


	6. After School

Chapter 6 – After School

Ana's POV

**Wednesday**

I feel a sudden shift in the air, and deep down I know what it is. It's the same feeling I get whenever he's around. What's he doing here? I came here, not only to skip chapel, but to get away from him. I don't know what it is about him…

"She burned too bright for this world." He quotes, and I smirk. He can quote one of my favorite books, really? Is there anything this man can't do?

"I'm wearying to escape into that glorious world, and to be always there; not seeing it dimly through tears, and yearning for it through the walls of an aching heart; but really with it, and in it." I quote one of my favorite lines, looking back up at him. Those gray eyes, I feel like they know everything about me.

"Skipping chapel?" He asks, yeah, I'm not going to that. I shrug "It's not really my thing" He smirks "But Emily Brontë is?" He asks, and I giggle. I suppose that is kind of unexpected coming from me.

"Is it so hard to believe that I could love the classics?" I ask, and he sits down.

"No, I'm a fan of them myself" Mmm, that's surprising. He doesn't really look like the bookish type. He kind of reminds me of me, the social outcast. Then again, I like books, but you wouldn't guess it unless you saw a book in my hands.

"I think I've always loved books…" I mumble. I have this faint memory of being with my biological father, and him reading me a book. I think I may have even loved them then… I know I read a lot when Ray was around; he was always buying me a new book. I think the time I read the most, was when we lived with Stephen. Books were my escape from everything, and I could get lost in one for hours. I didn't have an abusive step father, or a mother who didn't care about me. I didn't have a life that wasn't worth living. I had Jane Austen and Thomas Hardy at the age of 13.

"I'm going to go… I'll see you later, Ana." I think I hear him say, and I mumble in response. I want him to stay, but what good would it do. Shit, I have to go over to his house later. Mia said he was her brother, so no doubt he will be there to. How am I going to be able to stay away from him?

The last bell rings and I make my way out of the building. My headache finally went away, and I'm feeling much better. Mia stops me half way across campus, and gives me her address. Shit, I forget I said I would go over there. I'm supposed to be trying to stay away from Christian; this surly isn't going to make that any easier. What the hell am I going to do?

When I get to my car, I take a deep breath and think about what I'm doing. What if he finds out I went over there? He told me, that I was his... I would be punished if he saw me with Christian. Although, how is he going to find out?

I see Christian pull out of the parking lot in an expensive looking Audi. And without another thought, I put the key in the ignition. I'll take any punishment; I want to spend more time with Christian. I need to figure out what this is. It's not like I could have any real feelings for him… I don't have a heart. It's just an attraction… I mean, who wouldn't want to do that? He's sex on legs, at what 16, 17 years old.

It just couldn't work between us, could it? I can't be the lovable girlfriend who you take home to the parents. And he certainly couldn't be what I need. I need a dominant, someone to take over control. Christian surely doesn't know the lifestyle, not many people do. And if they do, they don't understand it. He wouldn't understand it… he wouldn't understand why I need it. If I wasn't a sub, I don't know what I would do. I would still need that lifestyle, maybe just as a dominant. I haven't thought about that before.

I think I would like being a dominant; it would give me more control. The casual sex I had in Vegas, and before I met master, I had control of. I would tie their hands, and they did as I said. They just wanted to get laid, so of course they didn't mind. They actually thought it was hot, of course they didn't know the real reason why I did it. I was out of control, and I don't even know why I did it. I think I was trying to be dominant… it worked pretty well… for a while. I wonder if it would work again. I've already been taught more of the lifestyle, and I've been submissive. I think I could be a Dominate now; I think it would work better than submission.

The pain is tolerable, the control is worthwhile, and the sex is amazing. Domination would make that all the better. I could have more control, and maybe my life would finally get back on track. I thought being submissive would help me, but it hasn't helped as much as I thought it would. It helped for a little while, but it wasn't the best solution. I think this might be the better solution. Maybe this is why I want Christian, because submission isn't enough. Maybe if I ask Linc to reverse rolls, he would give that to me. Maybe he would let me dominate, and I could get rid of these feelings.

I pull my car over to the side, and decide that it's now or never. I make a call, and it's the best decision I can come up with at this point. Once that's done, I make a call to Mia from the number she gave me.

"Hey, Ana" She answers cheerily .

"Hey, Mia I'm sorry. But something's come up, and I can't make it tonight." I feel bad lying to her, but I feel as if this is what I need right now. I hear some mumbling on the other side, but then I hear the same peppy Mia I heard earlier.

"That's alright Ana; we can plan something else tomorrow at school." That was easier than I thought it would be… although, I've never felt guilty about lying to someone before.

"Sounds good Mia, I'll see you then"

"I'll see you tomorrow Ana" She says excitedly, before I hand up. I change gears, and pull a u-turn , changing direction.

**Christian's POV**

I see Mia stop Ana half way across the campus, and give her a piece of paper. When Mia gets back to my car, she hops into the passenger seat, and I pull out of the lot. "Is she coming?" I ask Mia when we pull out of the lot. "Yep" She says popping the 'p', making me roll my eyes. I'm just glad she got Ana to agree to come over… I don't know what I would do without Mia, right now. When we get home, I'm about to run up stairs when we hear "Christian, Mia, will come here please!" Mom's voice echoes from the Great room. Mia and I get into the Great room, just as mom is hanging up the phone.

"Your father is going to be late for dinner. Oh, and Elena is coming over soon." She says, and I inwardly groan. It would kill Grace if I told her what Elena did on Monday. I don't understand why she's friends with her anyway, but I'm not going to be the one to ruin that. If she tries anything else, then I'll say something. I'm not going to put up with that shit. Bored housewife… definitely not my type, and she is nothing compared to Ana. Then again, I don't think anyone could compare to Ana…

I'm pulled out of my thoughts by Mia's phone ringing; the ringer is some boy band that she likes. I inwardly roll my eyes, it shouldn't be considered music; in my opinion. Mia gets a Cheshire cat-like grin, before talking into the phone. "Hey, Ana" She says, and my eyes widen. I run over to her, and try to take the phone from her so I can listen. "Christian stop it" She hisses at me, and I scowl while trying to take the phone. "Put it on speaker" I snarl back at her, still trying to take the phone; I want to hear what she's saying. Mia grumbles, and quickly puts it on speaker before responding.

"That's alright Ana; we can plan something else tomorrow at school." She says and I scowl at her. What the fuck, I thought she was coming over today. Great, now I have to wait till tomorrow.

"Sounds good Mia, I'll see you then" She sounds… angelic… even over the phone.

"I'll see you tomorrow Ana" Mia says before hanging up, and I scowl at her. What the hell? She was supposed to help me, not let her get away.

"What the fuck, Mia?" I say angrily, forgetting mom was watching our encounter.

"Christian, language, what was all of that about?" Mom exclaims with a hint of curiosity in her voice.

"It's okay mom, he's just mad because Ana isn't coming over." Mia says, I knew she wouldn't be able to keep a fucking secret. I run my hands through my hair exasperated, and Mia smirks. She outed me on purpose… so much for helping me out.

"Who's Ana?" Mom asks, in both frustration and confusion. I inwardly roll my eyes, no mom, I'm not gay. Just because I haven't showed interest in a girl before Anastasia, everyone thinks I'm gay or something. Sure, I've seen pretty girls before Ana, but none of them made me like this. They were simple attractions, but I wanted nothing more for them. But with Ana… it's more than an attraction… I want something more with her.

"She's new, and Christian has a crush on her." Mia says dramatically, and a scowl reappears on my face.

"Shut up, Mia!" I bark at her, but my glare doesn't affect her like most people, and she glares right back at me.

"You shut up! I'm not going to help you anymore if you keep being mean to me." I groan the typical 14 year old is back.

"Well stop blabbing your mouth, and actually help me! She was supposed to come over, what the hell happened?"

"She said something came up, what the hell did you want me to do about it?"

"I don't know, but you weren't supposed to let her go that easily!" I say, even more exasperated. I don't even know what I want anymore.

"Well maybe you should learn to talk to her yourself, Mr. Stutter!" She says in the same tone, but adds a mocking tone and face.

"I don't stutter!" I bark again, I don't stutter… I just lose my words, there's a big difference. I never know what to say around her, and I'm afraid to say something stupid. And I always lose all form of thought around her. She makes it hard to think, speak, and even breathe. I'm trying here, but no one has ever made me feel this way.

"Oh, okay, no, you don't st-stu-stutter at all, around her." She's mocking me, and I'm getting even more pissed off.

"Shut up!" I say again, running both my hands through my hair. I love Mia, but she's really pissing me off right now. I just want her help, I don't know what to do right now.

"What about skipping class just to talk to her? The whole school knows about that one."

"What?!" Mom exclaims, fuck Mia, way to go! That's beyond outing me about Ana, skipping class, fuck; she's going to ground me.

"It was just chapel! I had to talk to her, mom! It's not my fault she decided she wasn't going!"

"Christian, if this girl were to jump off a bridge, would you follow her?!"

"If there were water under it, I would!" I exclaim, hell, I would probably follow her even if there wasn't water under it.

"Christian Trevelyan Grey!"

"WHAT?!"

"Go to your room! You're grounded! Why don't you go think about what you've done! And don't ever speak to me like that again!"

I sigh loudly, before turning on my heel and leaving the room. "You to young lady, that kind of language is unacceptable!" I hear grace exclaim when I reach the foot of the stairs. I smirk, good, she got in trouble to.

I've been sitting on my bed replaying the events that happened in the Great room, just a moment ago. Okay, I really shouldn't have spoken to Mia or Grace like that. But I was upset with Mia, and I was upset that Ana didn't come over. I sigh, and get off my bed, heading downstairs. I need to apologize to Grace. But just as I'm about to go into the Great room, I hear voices, and start listening in by the doorway. I know it's wrong, but I want to know what they're talking about.

I hear Elena's sobs, and inch closer, taking a peek into the room. Grace looks to be comforting Elena, but I can't tell if her tears are fake or real. I'm going to guess the former, knowing Elena. "He's cheating on me Grace." I hear her say through sobs, and my eyes widen in shock. Linc is cheating on her? Why? I mean, I may not want her, but she does seem pretty hot. Well, I'm guessing it has something to do with her being a bitch. Yep, that's it. All looks aside… Elena is a downright biatch.

"Oh honey, I'm sure it's not true." Grace consoles her, and I roll my eyes. No, I'm guessing she's right. I mean, who in their right mind would want to stay with her. She's seems downright crazy sometimes… like Monday. What the fuck was she thinking? Well, now I have an inkling…

"He was packing when I left, Grace. He said he's going on a business trip… but he was lying. I don't even know where he's going, but I know he's planning to see her." She says through sobs.

"I'm sure it's just business, Elena" Mom is still believing that? Hell, Elena may not be trustworthy, but I sure as hell believe her about this.

"No Grace, you don't understand. I just know, okay?" Again through her sobs, and I can now tell that at least some of those tears are real. Wow, who would have thought she isn't as cold as I thought she was.

"How about, if Linc gets back before Friday you two can come over for dinner. Carrick is having someone from work come over, and you guys could join us." Fuck, not a dinner party… and not with her. Fuck, I don't want to eat dinner with that pathetic excuse of a woman… maybe I should have more sympathy, but I honestly don't care. This woman is cold, and I don't know how Grace doesn't see it. Linc may be cheating on her, but I'm not about to feel sorry for her. Grace may be her friend, but she definitely isn't mine.

"I don't think I'm up for a dinner Grace…"

"I think it might be good for you, and I'll be here for you, dear." Grace really is the sweetest person I know…

"Alright" She sniffs, and I decide to leave now before I get caught. I'll apologize to Grace, when Elena leaves. I don't want to have to talk to that woman. And if she's at dinner on Friday, I might just stab myself with my fork. A whole dinner with that deceitful bitch will be more than I can take. How dare she call Grace her friend? Just because she's upset about her marriage, doesn't give her the right to go around kissing other guys, underage one's, at that.

God, I just want today to be over with. I want tomorrow to come, and I want to see Ana again. I wonder what she's doing right now…

**_A/N Yes, Christian is really OOC in this chapter. He's a teenager with his first real crush... I think that explains the OOC. Plus, this is an obvious AU. I had quite a lot of fun with Christian's POV, I hope you enjoy. Let me know what you guys think, and I would love to hear your guy's guesses are; as to what's coming up :)_**

_**P.S. Sorry for any mistakes. I haven't gotten any sleep, and I'm really tired. So I was typing really fast to get it done... so I could go to bed. I couldn't fall asleep with all of this floating in my head, I would have lost it. And then you guy's would have had to wait longer for me to come up with something. So I hope this isn't a complete piece of shit since I was writing it on no sleep. Things like this tend to look better when your tired. So, anyway, I just wanted to say that. I'm going to go, and try for a couple hours of sleep now :)**_

_**Pinterest dot com /MidnightSteele/fifty-shades-of-fucked-up/**_


	7. Flashbacks

Chapter 7 – Flashbacks

Ana's POV

**Wednesday**

The bouncer lets me into the club that I've visited so often with him. I can't help but remember the first time he took me here.

_"We're going to have our first session tonight, Anastasia," he says, and I get butterflies in my stomach. I'm nervous. I think about how I should respond. I want to please him. He's saving me, taking over control for me._

_"Okay, sir," I say simply, hiding my nerves the best I can. I hang up the phone and get ready to leave._

_When I get to the club, I use my fake ID, and it gets me straight through. He said that if I use it for anything but the club, I would get punished. He knows I've used it before, and he wasn't very happy. I was being reckless before meeting him, but that's going to change now. He told me he would teach me control, and that's what I want right now. I want to be normal again. I don't want to be like this, relying on drugs and alcohol, just to escape my so-called life. It isn't what I want to do anymore, but I don't know how to last without it._

_This is supposed to help. It's supposed to make me normal. I repeat the mantra in my head to calm my nerves. It's not like I haven't had sex before, but this time it's different. After the sexual abuse, I had sex on my own terms, and now, it's on my own terms, but it's in a different way. I'm giving up the control, the control that I once lost. And even though a part of its gone, it's going to be better in the end. I won't need the alcohol, or anything else, just to get through the day without thinking about him. The past won't get in the way of my present, and I'll be normal again._

_I get into the club without a hitch. I've gotten into bars plenty of times, so it wasn't any harder than the others. You would think that a BDSM club would be harder to get into. The club is a lot like the theme of his playroom that he showed me. He said we would do our "test session" in one of the rooms here. He wanted to make sure that this was what I wanted. So if after this session I still want to be his sub, then we will use his playroom in the future._

It hasn't changed one bit, but then again, it wasn't that long ago I was first here. I haven't been with Linc very long, maybe that's why I'm still being reckless. Maybe with more time, being a submissive will help me. I shake my head. I don't want to be a submissive anymore. It should have helped by now. I should be normal by now. And now thoughts of Christian are plaguing my mind. I don't understand any of it, and I just want more control over it. This will give that to me, and I can handle it now.

When I see Linc sitting at the table, I make my way towards him, with my head held high. It's time to bring out the dominant side in me. It's been sitting on the surface, and now I'm ready to embrace it. By the time I make it to the table, Linc stands and gives me a kiss on the check, before we sit back down in the booth. We aren't Dom or Sub right now, not when we have discussions like this. But I think he sees I'm showing my dominant side right now, and I inwardly smile that it comes this naturally. And seeing him right now, it brings me back to the first time I was met with a strong dominate side, his strong dominate side.

_"Ana, one of Bob's friends is coming over for dinner tonight. Please don't be… well, don't be yourself," Carla says, and I just want to smack her. What a bitch. I mean, I know I can be a bitch, but even I'm not that bad. Sure, I may have been a bit more reckless recently, but that doesn't make me such a horrible person. It's not like I'm out doing something to hurt someone else. I'm just… well, I don't really know what I'm doing anymore, but the alcohol makes the pain go away, and the weed makes me forget about the day._

_I don't know why I'm being so reckless. I should be thankful to have my life back, but I'm not. I don't deserve to live. I'm not even sure if I want to live. What's the point? My past still runs my life. And I don't want to live like that, but I do. And I hate every minute of it. The only time I'm having somewhat of good time is when I'm doing something stupid. It makes me feel free. God, I really am fucked up, aren't I?_

_I sigh and throw on a dress in the back of my closet. It has a white long sleeve lace top, and a skirt that cuts off just above the knees. I put on a matching beanie, to make it more my style, and decide against any jewelry. I'm not out to impress anybody, and I could really care less about some dinner. I've been living here with Bob and Carla for few weeks, and ever since I moved in, it's been things like this every weekend. This is the first one I haven't been able to get out of._

_I sigh and head downstairs where I hear voices. I don't pay attention as to where I'm going, focusing on my IPhone where my Facebook is buzzing. I've met quite a few people with connections around here, and it seems like a party is going down. I instantly respond, of course. I definitely wouldn't miss it. I look down at my outfit and think about whether or not I should change. I shrug and creep down the stairs. I may be a little over dressed, but the party is in Portland. Since it's already 7, I would probably get there around 10. But I want to get a head start. I just want a night of fun, and this is exactly it._

_As I creep past the sitting room, I keep my eyes on the door. I'm pretty sure they're sitting in there, and I hope they don't turn to see me. Carla wouldn't be too pleased that she said I would be attending, and then I don't show up. She could care less if I actually went, but since Bob knows I'm going, it's set and stone in her eyes. It wouldn't look good for her, if her daughter just skipped a planned dinner with company._

_I try to quickly and quietly sneak over to the table in the middle of the foyer, but to no avail. Just as the keys are in my hand, I hear, "Anastasia." I still and slowly turn around, keys still in my hand. Carla and Bob are sitting in the doorway, and I see a body behind them, but I don't get a full view before my eyes are back on Carla. "Are you going somewhere?" Carla asks in a demanding tone. I glance down at the keys in my hand before looking back up at her. I decide to lie. She's just pretending to be a concerned parent anyway._

_"Of course not. I just left my phone charger in Bob's car and was headed out to get it quickly. Is that alright with you, mommy dearest?" My mouth instantly shuts after I say it, not the time and not the place. She instantly scowls, and Bob shifts uncomfortably. And without another word, I turn on my heel and head out "to get my phone charger". I may not be able to go to the party now, without getting severely yelled at later. Not that it would be that big of a deal, but I really don't want to deal with Carla's bitching._

_The autumn breeze instantly hits me when I get out of the door. I decide to spend a couple of useless minutes out here, before heading back inside. I walk in circles, eyes on my phone, getting updates on a party I'm not even going to be able to attend anymore. This fucking sucks. I should have just said I had plans, so I didn't have to get wrapped up in this dinner. I'm pulled out of my little Facebook trance when I hear a strong voice clear their throat. "It doesn't look like you're getting a phone charger." The voice is unfamiliar, and I look up to see a very attractive older man standing a couple feet away from me._

_He stands tall and slightly intimidating, making me gulp."Um, it didn't seem to be in there... must be hiding in the house somewhere," my voice is light, and it doesn't sound like myself._

_He smirks, and amusement floods his eyes. "Why is it, I don't believe you?" Who the hell does this guy think he is? I don't care if he is Bob's friend, or whatever, but who is he to say I'm lying. Granted, I may be lying, but that isn't the point._

_"Well, it doesn't really matter whether or not you believe me, now does it?" I snap back at him, making his eyes widen in shock. If possible, his stance gets even more dominating._

_"You have a smart mouth. I think someone should do something about that…," he tails off. What the hell is that supposed to mean?_

_"What would you suggest?" I ask sarcastically, rolling my eyes. He gets closer to me, and my heart race picks up. I still when his hand comes up to my face, his thumb tracing my lips._

_"I could think of a few things," he says, looking into my eyes, and I see something dark in them in that I can't explain. He kisses me, and I still. He doesn't make any more move to touch me, and I relax into the kiss. I've never been kissed like this. I've never allowed anyone to kiss me like this. Sure, I've made out with guys before, but they were never in control. I was the one in control, and now here I am, giving this man control. It's scary and exhilarating at the same time._

_He pulls away, both of us trying to catch our breaths. His eyes have gotten darker, if possible. And before I know it, he's turning away much too soon for my liking. "Be a good girl, Anastasia," he says, tracing my lips with his thumb once again. He turns on his heel and heads into the house, acting like nothing even happened. I'm sitting there bereft, wondering what that was. And oddly enough, I find myself wanting more of it. For the first time in my life, I find myself wanting to be dominated. That kiss, it gave me a taste of what it was like, to give myself up freely to someone, completely and willingly._

_After dinner, he shakes my hand, secretly slipping a note into it. When he leaves, I find myself forgetting about the party completely and head up to my room. When I close the door, I sit in one of the white chairs that look out at the night sky. The lamp beside my bed and the moonlight are the only things that brighten the room._

_Dear Anastasia,_

_I have a proposition for you._

_Bob has said what a defiant teenager you are._

_Would you like to learn control?_

_I can help you…_

_Call me._

_Linc_

He said he wanted to teach me control. And now that I've learned it, I want more of it. He has to give this to me. It was something that we first discussed when we talked about what our relationship would be. Now I hope we can refine this contract, so I can get more of what I need.

* * *

**_A/N Alright, so this chapter was filled with flashbacks from Ana's recent past. And now that we got that done, we can continue with the story. There are still bits of the past that will be shared in the future, but these are a few of the big ones. So, I thought it was best to get these ones out now, and get more out later. So, now that this little filler is done, we can get continue on. Sorry that it's so short, but I wanted to get this out there today._**

**_Some of you commented, and said, that you didn't think Linc would let Ana become Dom. Well, it seems that they already discussed some part of it in the past. What do you think was said, now? Did Linc shrug it off, then? Or did he really entertain the idea that Ana would, at one point in time, dominate. Now, in FSOG, I think Elena and Christian once discussed this aspect of their relationship. I mean, Christian did become Dom at one point. So, is Linc going to do the same, here?_**

**_Oh, Dear tenalew, "Oh ana give in to your feelings for Christian". Don't fret, Ana will give into her feeling soon. I'm playing around with Linc and her a bit more, yet. But Christian and Ana will be together soon. And their HEA is guaranteed. You will also be getting more flashback, as I have said above._**

**_I also wanted to thank my new BETA flamingpen18. She was a great help with this chapter, so I'm thankful to have her. I make too many mistakes, especially since my muse decides to come at three in the morning. So, I'm glad to have her :)_**

**_There's also more pictures on the Pinterest Page that follows this story. _**

**_Pinterest dot com /MidnightSteele/fifty-shades-of-fucked-up/_**

**_Anyway, leave a review and let me know what you guys think :)_**


	8. What We Are

Chapter 8 – What We Are…

Ana's POV

**Wednesday**

Looking at this man, I'm at loss for words. How do I tell him what I want? What is he going to say? I inwardly sigh. It's now or never, Ana.

"I wanted to talk about the contract…" I trail off, not using my dominant side. We need to talk about this, and I can't be dominant right now. Well, neither of us can try to control the situation, because right now we have to act as equals.

"What about?" he asks. Although he isn't showing his dominant side, his expression is barely readable.

"It's not really working for me," I say simply telling the truth. Being a sub just isn't what I need right now. It hasn't made me into who I wanted to be. I wanted to be better, and I'm not. I thought it was going to help my fifty shades of fucked up, but it didn't. I just need this change right now, and I don't even know if this will help. I think it's for the best. I want control, and this is the only other way I can think to have it. It's the only way I've ever learned.

"I thought everything was fine. What's changed?" he asks, sounding a bit forlorn.

"I've changed. And this isn't helping me."

"So what do you want to change about the contract?" he asks after a moment of silence.

"I want to be dominate," I say, looking him in the eyes. A myriad of emotions cross his face, before he speaks again.

"I supposed I should have seen this coming. You always were strong willed," he says while a small, sad looking smile crosses his face. We're both quiet, waiting for the other to speak. He sighs, breaking the silence between us.

"I'll try. If you really want to learn it right now, I will teach you," he says, and my eyes widen. He's really going to do this for me.

"Saturday and Sunday, we can work out some of the kinks then." A small smile appears on both of our lips, and we both rise from the booth. In a flash, Linc pulls me to him, and I'm flush against his body, looking up at him. His eyes are dark and searching my wide blue eyes. His left hand is holding mine, and then his right holds my chin. He leans down, and his lips meet mine. I can tell he's in control right now, and I let him have this. I like this, but I can't help but want more.

"I'll have you one last time as my sub. You're still mine, Anastasia, and I yours. I'm looking forward to Saturday, Anastasia. Be a good girl now," he says, letting go of my chin and my hand before leaving. I watch him walk out the door and see his dominant side, even in his walk. It sounds like a joke that I would be able to dominate this man. But I don't think Linc would let me even try, if he didn't think I could do it. He isn't the kind of man who wastes his time or plays game. So that tells me that he actually thinks I could do it, or at least I think he does. Why would he bother if he didn't?

I sigh and head out of the club, so I can go home. Once Saturday rolls around, I will be able to relax again. But right now, I just don't think that's possible. I also have thoughts of Christian now running around in my head, and I'm getting dizzy with my conflicted emotions. I need the control that Linc gives me. But I find myself wanting Christian. Even though I may be having feelings, or whatever for Christian, I still need the control, and I can't get that from him. So I either need to try and get from him, or I need to get him out of my head. I don't even know why I'm thinking these things about Christian. I'm already Linc's, and I'm still his sub, until Saturday that is. But even after that, we are still each other's. It's a complete magnanimous relationship, and here I am breaking it.

**Thursday**

**Christian's POV**

I apologized to both Grace and Mia last night, and thankfully, the bitch troll didn't stay. Aside from my eavesdropping, I didn't even have to see her. But I will have to see her for dinner on Friday, I think. I really don't want to suffer through that shit, but I won't have a choice. So I guess I will enjoy the week while I can. Considering I get to see Ana during the week, it isn't looking so bad.

Ana sits down at the table, wearing incredibly short shorts, a Vans t-shirt, and a pair of black converse. Her hair is down, and I want to run my fingers through it. God, I sound like a fucking creep, but it's true. Well, I want to do more than just run my fingers through her hair. I want to touch more of her, all of her. She drops her backpack on the floor and turns on the laptop in front her. I try not to stare, but I can't help it. I could look at her all day. I turn back to my computer, knowing the embarrassment I would feel if she caught me staring.

**Ana's POV**

When I get into class, I can't help but look at Christian. I tear myself away, sit down at the table, and turn on my computer. I know he's staring now. I would, usually, be angered by people staring, but with him, I find myself not minding it. Truth is, I want to be the one looking at him right now. It's odd, though, that I can feel his eyes on me. It's almost the same feeling I get when he's in the same room as me… but, different. I usually get a weird feeling when people stare, but this isn't it.

When I think I feel his eyes off me, I take a quick glance at him. He's looking back to his computer, with an unnamed emotion on his face. I want to know what he's thinking, but I'm too scared to ask. I don't even know him. I can't just ask what he's thinking. Ugh! Why is this so hard? This is why I don't do relationships… of any kind. Everything is too complicated when you get to know someone. And here I am, wanting to get to know him.

I guess I really am a masochist.

**Christian's POV**

I'm staring intently at the video editing program, not really doing much of anything. We were supposed to be creating a family video of sorts. It's supposed to have old videos and pictures, and then you choose a song to go in the background. It's supposed to end up as sort of a movie, but right now, I have just about nothing. I have some pictures that I scanned onto the computer, but I don't have video or a song to go with it. To be honest, we started the project Tuesday, and I should be further by now, but I've been distracted by Ana. So that's why it took me about 2 days, just to scan photos.

I don't really understand why Mia and I can't just have the same project. Considering we have the same family, it would make sense. But no, we can help each other out all we want, but working together is just too much to ask for. I mean, why the fuck can't we just work together? Ugh. I really hate this class sometimes. Funny thing is, I was going to drop it, but then Ana , I couldn't drop it. I couldn't bring myself to give up this hour with Ana. And even though I've only known her for a couple of days, I feel like I've known her for a lifetime. It's crazy, especially considering I know absolutely nothing about her. Well, I know her name, but that's just about it. But here I am, and I want to know more about her.

* * *

_**A/N Alright, I'm sorry for the really short chapter; again. I just wanted to get something out there. But the next one should be longer. I've been figuring out where to take this, and I've finally got most of it figured out. I'm really looking forward to the future for this story. So, now I'm just getting more of the present figured out. Now, I'm just going to take this chapter by chapter; until I get to where I want to be.**_

_**So, I hope to have the next one out soon. Sorry for the wait. I hope you enjoyed reading, though.**_

_**And another thanks to my BETA, flamingpen18.**_

_**Pinterest dot com/MidnightSteele/fifty-shades-of-fucked-up/**_


	9. Another Day Of School

Chapter 9 – Another Day Of School

Ana's POV

**Thursday**

I still don't know what the hell I'm supposed to be doing in this class. And hell, this is the only class I've been to. Maybe I should ask. Then again, it's not like I really care. I mean, what good is this class anyway? Well, except for ogling Christian. God, I think he may be the main reason for me coming to school at all. I met him, what, Tuesday? And here I am, well, I don't really know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know how I feel about Christian, and I don't know what to do about anything. It's all just so confusing, and now suddenly, I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to deal with what's going on between us. Which, in hind sight, is really nothing. I don't want to deal with how I'm "feeling" anymore. God, I don't even know what these feeling are. Let's just say I'm really confused right now, like really confused.

"Ana, why don't the three of us go to the library after school?" Mia asks excitedly.

"Three?" I ask, suddenly wondering if she's talking about Kate or Christian. Either way, I don't think that would turn out well.

"Christian and I. He's kind of my ride." I see Kate scowling at Mia, but she pays her no mind. She's looking at me, and I find myself having a hard time saying no. Then she adds, "Please, it will be fun." Not only does she sound sweet and sincere, she's looking at me with pouty eyes. Oh, dear God, I don't have a heart. But here are two Greys melting my nonexistent one. Wait, am I really entertaining the idea of having a heart? Oh, dear God, I've gone mental now.

"Umm... I guess," I say lamely.

"Awesome! Christian is really good at this, and he can help you with your project. He's already helped tons with mine." Is she always this excited about, well, everything.

"Sounds great," I say, glancing over at Christian, who I think I just caught staring at me. A small smile appears on my lips, and his eyes grow wide like he's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I swear, I almost expire when I see him blush, and he turns back to his computer. I can't believe I just caught him blushing. I have to say, Christian Grey's blush might be the best thing in the world.

"Yeah, he's like a genius with this video editing stuff," Mia says, looking over at her brother in amusement. What the hell is going on? Is she trying to sell him to me or something?

"That's cool. I have no idea what I'm doing right now," I say to Mia, telling the truth. I haven't been paying attention.

"Shocker there," I hear Kate mutter under her breath. I decide to ignore it, letting Kate be petty. I don't see the point in starting a fight. So I haven't been paying attention in class. So what?

"It's really easy once you get the hang of it," Christian says, looking at me with an unnamed emotion. I give a slight nod in response and turn back to my computer. I spend the rest of the time on Facebook, scrolling through a couple of friends request and other notifications. Alright, so it's not the most productive use of my time. But, I won't even know what I'm doing until I get his help after school. Okay, I could ask someone now. But that would just diminish the point of staying after. Oh, shit, I'm spending more time than necessary with him. This staying away thing isn't going so well. What the fuck am I going to do? This isn't going to be good.

**Christian's POV**

"It's really easy once you get the hang of it," I say, and she nods, before turning back to the laptop in front of her. Shit! That's it? I turn to Mia for help but see her and Kate discussing something or another. What the fuck? I inwardly sigh. Can a guy catch a break?

When the bell rings, I try to catch up with Ana, but she's already long gone. Fuck! I lost where she went. If I hadn't been distracted by the thought of her lips and staring aimlessly at my computer screen, I would be with her right now. Shit! Now I have to go to fucking chapel. Just great. Couldn't be better. I would say fuck it, if it didn't mean it would fuck my future, and I wouldn't be able to see Ana afterwards. I've gotten into enough trouble over the years. And now, it's finally my last year here. I've finally gotten my shit together. I need to keep it that way. I can't start skipping classes again, especially after being accepted into Harvard. They've already got me on a short leash, and the past few days I've definitely been slacking. I need to keep my shit together. Maybe once I get Ana, I'll be able to do that. I don't see myself doing anything without her anymore.

After not seeing her for almost the rest of the day, I'd given up on thinking she's coming. Hopefully, she'll actually show up at the library after school. I have to wait this hour, and then I get to see her, or so I thought. When I sit in the back of AP Calculus, I feel that odd shift in air. No, it can't be, can it? My eyes dart up from my book and scan the room. My jaw hits the floor when I see her in a desk upfront. No way! She looks to be not much older than Mia. How is she in here? Only juniors and seniors are in this class. There's no way she's a junior. Sure, she looks like she could pass to be like 21, but it's different. You can tell these things about a person when you're in school with them. When I first met her, I expected her to be older than me, or at least the same age. But when I found out she was in my school, that made her age drop. Yeah, it may not make much sense, well, unless you understand that is. Shit, now I even sound crazy in my thoughts.

Fuck, is she really my age? Mmm... I can't help but wonder about it now. And what the hell was she doing at the Lincoln's? Wait. Where the fuck did that question come from? But, seriously, now I'm curious. Holy fuck! My mind needs to slow down before it explodes.

"Alright, ladies and gentlemen, we have a new student in our class today," the teacher starts, looking at a clipboard. "A sophomore, at that…" Fuck! A sophomore… really? Well, Mia is a freshman, so I guess I wasn't that far off. But, holy fuck, why does she look like a fucking twenty year old? Well, it might be her body or perhaps those shorts. Yep, it's the shorts. Damn, does she look fine in those shorts! Shit! Calm down. I can't have those kinds of thought about Ana here.

"Everybody, please welcome Anastasia Steele," Mrs. Schuster says proudly, and I see the goddess sink further down into her seat. All male eyes are on her. Hell, even all the female eyes are on her. The guys are looking at her with nothing but lust, and the woman are looking at her with nothing but jealousy. Shit! I feel jealous that all these guys are staring at her. I mean, I understand, and I may be doing it too, but she's mine. Wait! Where did that come from? She's not mine. Well, I want her to be. I will have her. I have to have her. Fuck! Now I sound like a caveman, but it's true.

"Alright, everyone is going be getting a partner for our next assignment." Everyone in the class groans, except for goddess. I see her discreetly looking at her phone underneath her desk. She really is a bad girl, isn't she? Not that being on your phone in class is a crime, but it might as well be in this school.

"Roberts and Moore, Smith and Erickson, Henderson and…" I zone out, looking at goddess. Shit! I need to stop calling her that. Who am I kidding? I think that nickname kind of caught on by now. Well, at least in my mind it has. It's not like I can really call her that, well, not without be slapped.

"…Grey and Steele…" Shit! Seriously? My eyes get wide with excitement. This must be Christmas. I get to be her partner. Suddenly, her head snaps to me, and if possible, my eyes grow wider. Shit! I was caught staring. I look into those blue eyes that have been haunting my dreams and see an odd emotion… fear? Why would she be fearful? Is it of me? Shit! This isn't turning out well.

**Ana's POV**

I duck as fast as I can out of Video Production. I can't be around him much longer. I don't know what it is, but I just can't. I don't know how I'm going to deal with the whole library situation, but I need to think of something. I can't deal with all these emotions or whatever the fuck they are.

The rest of the day I spend in and out of classes. I walk into my last class of the day and gasp. Fuck! He's here. He's sitting in the back of the classroom, reading a book. I quickly take a seat with my back to him and distract myself with my phone. Fuck! Why the hell did I have to actually try and do a good job with that test? Fucking placement test! What the hell am I going to do? I didn't even want to take calculus. I mean, what a waste of time. Now I'm stuck here, sitting in this fucking room with him. I'm so fucked.

Wait. Did I say fucked? No, now I'm fucked. Partners, really? Just my fucking luck.

"You're going to get a set of one hundred questions…" This time, I join in with the class in the redundant groan."Yes, one hundred questions. I'll give you the rest of the time in class to start. You're not going to finish them all, so you're going to have homework. You can either work together or split them up evenly. It will be much easier to get through them with a partner, so I recommend doing so. But, it's your assignment, so do it however you choose. And I don't want to hear any more complaints," she says, handing out papers to each of us.

Everyone starts to disperse into partners, and I reluctantly get out of my seat. Picking up my backpack from the floor and slinging it over my shoulder, I head over to my awaiting partner. He looks nervous, and it makes me want to giggle. Fuck! I really need to stop this. New rule, Steele. No giggling. It's weak, and it shows "emotion". Fuck! I hate that word, "emotion". It's the stupidest thing in the fucking world and the stupidest word at that. "emotion" What fucking bullshit. It's almost as bad as the word "feelings". Wait. I think "feelings" is even worse than "emotions". Wait, wait, what's the difference again? Oh, you want to know what… fuck it. I don't even care anymore.

I sit in the desk in front of him, seeing as all the other seats are taken. I drop my backpack on the floor next to me. I'm sitting comfortably towards him, with one of my legs half on the seat and my foot hanging off. I don't feel like turning the desk, so sitting backwards will have to do. I put my paper on his desk next to his and pull out a pen from my backpack.

**Christian's POV**

"It will be faster if we work together…" I trail off at a loss for words. Goddess is sitting right in front of me, and this may be the second closest I've gotten to her. She smells of strawberries and lavender, and it makes my heart beat a little faster. God, she smells like heaven. I almost blurt out right there that I love the way she smells. Oh, God, I'm turning into an even bigger creep. God have mercy on me. Now I'm wishing I would have gotten closer to her the other day, when we were lying on the grass. I was never a fan of baths as a child, but I would definitely take a bath with this beauty. Hell, I would even let her touch me, if it meant I could have one with her.

Wait. Could I let her touch me? When I think about touch, I'm reminded on the pimp. But when I think about Ana, I think about, well, anything but that. Really, a bunch of good feelings plague me when thoughts of her come up. Does that mean I could allow her to touch me? Somehow, her touch seems erotic, exciting, and something I now long for. Yes, I want Ana's touch. Holy fuck! I never thought I would be saying that I want someone's touch. I hate touch. I can't stand anybody touching me. Could I really do it? I have a feeling that I think I could, but why only with her? I know my family would never hurt me, so why can't I let them touch me? Why is it her, only her?

"Alright," she says simply, after pulling a pen out of her backpack. She writes her name on the paper, but I notice she only writes Ana Steele. So she doesn't like Anastasia. Why ever not? It's a beautiful name for a beautiful girl. Shit! What has this girl done to me? I've never called a girl beautiful before. Well, all these thoughts about Ana I've never really had about another girl. But it's true. She is beautiful, and she's everything.

**Ana's POV**

Derivatives of Trig Functions… this is going to take forever. It's not that they're very hard, well, not for me anyway. But there are a lot of problems on here, and I don't think we are going to get through many of them, especially if he keeps staring at me like that. By the time I finish the first one, he hurriedly tries to catch up, scribbling on his paper. I inwardly roll my eyes. Although, if I wasn't able to distract myself with finding x, that would be me. But it is rather tempting just to stare at him all day long and not do boring math. What a lovely day that would be indeed.

"So your sister Mia…" I trail off, trying to find some conversation. We're on like the third problem, and all he does is stare. Sometimes, it looks like he wants to talk, but he just doesn't. It's starting to get a little weird in a way. I'm not one for idle chit-chat, but I find myself wanting to talk to him. If I'm going to sit here and be tortured with his good looks, I might as well have a good reason to stare. I don't really want to be here with him and at a loss for words and then just stare. I mean, sure, I may lose my words around this man to. But, at least, I'm able to come up with something. I wonder what his problem is. Do I affect him that much? And where does that lead us, if I do?

He looks up from him paper, and I'm met with those gray eyes. I notice he didn't quite finish writing down the last one, but at this point, I find myself not giving a shit about the assignment. Those gray eyes are what make it hard for me to form words.

"Mia is…" he trails off, trying to find the right word to describe her no doubt.

"Well, she's a really great person. She's just a bit…" I find myself smirking at his inability to find the right word.

"Energetic," I say, finishing his sentence. It's not hard to tell that about Mia. In fact, it's quite obvious.

"Yes, I think she's always been that way," he says, and I can tell by the way he talks about her that he really loves his sister. It makes me want a brother, to have a love like that. Although, it's not like anyone could really love me. It's not like anyone does love me.

"I really like her. She's a good person," I say truthfully, and he gives me a small smile.

"Yes, she is. She's kind of grown on me since the day they brought her home." His words have me curious.

"Brought her home?" I ask. It's an odd way to put the fact she was born.

"Oh, yeah, we were adopted, all three of us actually. There's Mia, who've you met, my brother, Elliot, and then me," he says, seemingly a bit surprised by his admission.

"Are you close?" I ask, actually interested. I, oddly enough, want to know more about him.

"Yes, although Elliot is in college. We still keep in touch. And I've always been close to Mia." It's sweet that he seems to really care for his family like this. I wish I had a family I cared about or who cared about me.

"You sound like you care alot about them…" I trail off. Where am I going with this? I need to stop, but at the same time, I just want to know more about him. His eyes widen a bit, but he shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly.

"I guess so. Isn't that what family's is?" I can tell he's trying to be nonchalant, but I can see that he cares. It's… odd. I shrug my shoulders. I wouldn't really know.

"What about your family?" he asks, and my eyes widen at my paper. Shit! I suppose I should have been expecting this. What do I say? Oh, you know, I don't really have a family. Well, not since my mom decided to be a complete and utter bitch and destroy my life. Yeah, because that will go over well, no questions asked.

"I don't have any siblings…" I trail off, at a loss for words. What the hell am I supposed to say, the truth? I think not.

"That must get… lonely," he says, and I wonder if that's pity I hear in his voice. I hate pity, and he needs to stop it now. I shrug my shoulders and go back to my paper. I don't want to talk anymore. It's too personal. I don't get personal. What the hell is he doing to me? Here I am, caring and sharing "feelings".

When we get to problem twenty, class is already almost over. No doubt out little conversation made us lose a good amount of time. And it's hard to get through these questions whilst sitting next to Adonis. When the bell rings, and I pack up my stuff, I notice Christian waiting for me. He has his hands in his pockets and is standing on the heel of his foot, rocking back and forth. When I look at him and raise an eyebrow in question, he looks a bit sheepish.

"I thought I would wait for you. We can walk to the library together?" It comes out as one big question, and I can help but smirk. I nod my head and start walking in the direction of the library. It's in another building, but it's still not that far of a walk. Well, I'm always one for exercise, so I guess to me, it's not anyway. Walking next to Christian on the way to the library is somewhat comforting. Well, it's kind of the comfortable feeling that I get when just being with him, so I guess it isn't all that weird anymore. It's odd that I haven't had this with anyone else, but at the same time, I like it alot.

**Christian's POV**

I was tempted to take her hand, but I knew that wouldn't be a smart move. I mean, as much as I want to, I only met her the other day. I highly doubt she would appreciate that, and it might make it a bit awkward. Hell, even trying to find my words around this girl is hard. Now I have problems with simple movements and thinking skills. Just great, I'm turning into a complete nitwit.

Mia is already sitting at one of the tables, waiting for us with two computers next to her. Before I can question why she only has two, she gets up from the seat and hugs me. What the-

"Hey, Christian, hi, Ana, I'm sorry to bail on you guys, but I gotta go. I totally forget I promised Mom something, so I gotta get home, like now. Don't worry about me. You guys have fun though," she says with a wink and turns to give a little wave at Ana before leaving. What the hell was that about? Wait a minute. Did she do that on purpose? She did. Have I mentioned that I love my sister? Ana looks at the door with a bit of curiosity, before turning to see my wide smirk. I quickly drop it, not wanting to be figured out, even though the question filled look she gives me afterwards shows she already figured something out.

"Listen, we still have to work on those problems. So do you want to do the project another time? We can go back to my house and work on them, if you want?" she asks, obviously forgetting Mia's unexpected exit.

"Sure, sounds great," I say and follow her out to the parking lot in a comfortable silence. I can tell Ana is trying to figure out what just happened, and I need to stop her before she does. I don't think she would like the idea of me using Mia in order to get her to spend time with me.

"Should I just follow you?" I ask her, effectively pulling her out of her thoughts.

"Okay," she says, walking towards the silver Aston Martin Vanquish.

I follow her across the 520, and we make our way to Bellevue. Mmm... I guess she lives closer to me than I thought. We pull onto Evergreen Road and then Overlake Dr a while after. It holds most of the upper class Seattle citizens. We are driving past long driveways and getting glimpses of pools or tennis courts. Most houses also harbor a dock on their properties. It's definitely the site of the wealthy, and I can't help but want a house like that one day. A house with a view of the sound is definitely something I want.

We pull into one of the long giveaways and are met with a simple white house and large windows. It's obviously an expensive house, and her parents probably spent a pretty penny on it. Walking up the few steps into the house and into the luxury foyer, I get a nice view of the goddess' backside. Shit! I have to stop staring at her ass, or there's going to be an erection to prove when my eyes have been. I meekly follow her up the stairs, trying to look at anything but the beauty in front of me. We come to a door at the end of the hall and walk into a rather messy room. There are clothes and other things on the floor, but it smells of vanilla and strawberries, just like her. I inhale the scent, storing it in my memory to remind me of her.

She walks over to the queen sized bed in the corner of the room and throws of a couple of random things, before sitting near the head of the bed. I watch as she pulls out her calculus book, along with her pen and paper, before tossing her backpack on the floor. When she looks up and sees me standing near the doorway, she raises her eyebrow. It's cute and sexy at the same time.

"You know, I don't bite," she says, and I now realize that I haven't moved. I probably look like a dumbass. I sit down on the other side and do the same as her. We start working on the problems, and I realize now that she's more than just looks. Well, I would have noticed it earlier if I hadn't been distracted by thoughts of her. But she's really good at this, and I'm amazed by it. I mean, it comes to me super easy as well, but not many people can do these kinds of problems at this rate.

We make idle chit chat, while working on the problems. And I actually learn a lot of small little facts about her. We have a lot of music in common, both of us with eclectic tastes. Mac and Cheese is both of our favorite foods. We both love the classics, and we talk forever about them. She has great taste in books, and when we finally finish our work, she shows me the library. She said it's her favorite room in the house, and I see why. It has a great collection of books, and seems like a great place to sit down. I, personally, love the library at home, but this is a close second.

She walks me to the door, and I have my backpack in hand. I notice that her parents haven't came home yet, and I feel bad leaving her alone. I didn't want to leave in the first place, and with every step I take to the door, I find myself wanting to leave less and less. I can't stay, but I don't want to go. I don't want to stop talking to her. I love it. It's so easy, and I find myself having a lot in common with her. Why would I want to leave? I really like this girl, really, really, like her. Is it too soon to say love? Because I think that's what I am. I think I'm in love with her. When I think about her, all I think about is how I never want to let her go. How I would give up my life, if it meant I could save hers. Isn't that what love is? It feels unconditional, like I could love her no matter what. I feel like I want to spend forever with her.

Before I can stop myself, my lips find hers. And not long after, our tongues meet each others too. She tastes like heaven. She smells like heaven. She is heaven. Our kiss breaks, leaving us both breathless. Before I know it, I'm that scared little boy again. I get into my car and leave her standing there, without a chance to speak. I can't. What was that? I… I don't know what to do. I want to do that again. Will she? It was the most amazing thing I've ever done, ever felt. She has to do it again. What would I do if I couldn't? I think I would rather die than to not taste those lips again.

I don't know what to do. I want her. I want her like I've never wanted anything before, but I'm scared. Boy, am I scared.

* * *

_**A/N Alright, so this is a long chapter. I hope you enjoyed it, though. Please leave a review, and let me know what you think; I really appreciate it. And, I'd also like to thank my BETA; flamingpen18. I also updated the Pinterest Page, so be sure to check it out.**_

_**Pinterest dot com /MidnightSteele/fifty-shades-of-fucked-up/**_


	10. Scared

Chapter 10 – Scared

Christian's POV

**Thursday**

I get home and instantly run up to my room, ignoring the calls from my family. I don't know what to do right now. I feel like that lost little boy again. I think I love her. And that kiss, well, now I'm truly starting to believe it. Do I love her? Do I have a heart? I never thought I had one before. But now, I feel like that kiss changed something inside of me. Maybe I really do have a heart, but the strange thing is, she's the only one it beats for. Sure, if I admit it, I love my family. But my heart, my heart beats for Anastasia.

Yes, I do love my family, even though I don't say it enough or tell them that I do. I, honestly, couldn't live without them. Grace saved me, and I owe her the world. Of course, I love her. Mia helped me with touch, and although she's the only one allowed to give me a hug every once in awhile, I cherish that. Yes, it may be uncomfortable, but it somehow makes me feel loved. Carrick taught me right from wrong, and he made me the man I am today. Hell, he's the reason I'm a gentleman, well, most of the time. And Elliot, well, Elliot gave me "life" advice. It may not sound like a lot coming from Elliot, but he did really help a lot. He told me about girls, cars, and sports. The three things Elliot knows best, and he taught me all about them. Now, I'm hoping to use them with Anastasia.

Well, the advice he gave me about girls isn't much. I should be able to figure out the rest. I mean, how hard could it be? That kiss... I think I was a pretty damn good kisser or maybe it was her. Either way, my first kiss was something that left me wanting more. That's what it's supposed to be like, isn't it? Well, either way, Elliot's advice may not have been useful at that point in time, but maybe I can use it later on. He did have some pretty useful things to say. I just have to ask her out now, and then all will be well. I can buy her flowers and chocolates. Elliot said girls like that shit. Its romantic or whatever. Anyway, now I have to figure out how to ask her out.

Wait, what if she doesn't want to go out with me? Could I live with that? Could I live without her? Shit, I met this woman a few days ago, and I'm already a lovesick puppy. Alright, I may sound pretty dumb right now, but can you blame me? I'm a man with his first love, and Anastasia is who I want to give that love to. Well, she's the only one I have this love for. So I guess that's a moot point. But either way, as stupid as it may sound, I'm in love with this girl.

It may not even be possible. Hell, I've only known her for a few days. I've only ever had one real conversation with her, and we've only ever kissed once. But that kiss was the best thing in the world. I feel like I was blind before that kiss. But now, I can see everything. I can see that, for whatever reason, my family loves me. And just that, well, that means the world to me. I've always felt so undeserving of their love, but now I feel like I need it. Yes, I need to be loved by family. I don't know what I would do without it. I may have taken it for granted, but I didn't realize they loved me before. Now I can finally see it, and it makes me happier to know that they care. I still don't quite understand why, and a part of me still doesn't believe I deserve it. But the fact of the matter is that they love me, and I love them.

As crazy as it sounds, I really think I do love Ana. There's no other way to describe all these feelings, is there? I can't see my life without Ana anymore. I want to talk like we did every day. I want to kiss like we did everyday. I want to love her like this everyday. With all of my heart and all of my soul, she has my love forever. With just one single kiss, she showed me love. I've never known this, never felt this. I never thought I even wanted this or even deserved it. I never thought love was possible for me. But here I am, loving my family and loving her. My family may love me, but I wish she would love me, like I love her. I hope she feels the same way I do. I want her to love me, and I hope she feels the same way too.

**Friday**

I fell asleep last night to thoughts of Ana. Hell, I even dreamt about her. I can't wait to see her at school today. I'm a bundle of nerves, but I'm excited at the same time. I hurriedly get ready for school and run downstairs. When I get into the kitchen, mom is already cooking something, and Mia is sitting at the breakfast bar. I go to the cupboard and grab one of the boxes of cereal, not really caring what kind it is. I just want to get to school, but I need to eat something first. I pour a bowl and sit next to Mia. I may or may not be eating faster than normal.

"Christian, is that all you're going to eat?" Mom asks, putting a plate of pancakes in front of Mia.

"Yep" I say, taking my last bite and putting my bowl in the sink.

"Hurry up, Mia. I want to get to school," I whine at Mia, who is eating her food painfully slow.

"Christian, don't rush your sister," Grace scolds, and I scowl at Mia. She knows what she's doing.

"Yeah, Christian, don't rush me," Mia says, her voice full of mirth. She takes a sip of orange juice and smirks when she sees my pleading look.

"Why are you in such a rush, big brother?" Mia asks, and I continue to scowl at her and the pancakes, fucking pancakes. I want to see Ana.

"Yes, Christian, why are you in such a rush this morning?" Grace asks, her voice full of curiosity.

Shit! "Um… I have a project…" I lie, failing massively. I'm usually good at lying. What the fuck is happening to me?

"That isn't due for two weeks," Mia says, calling me out on my lie. Goddammit, kid! She better not say it.

"Oh, I think that's plenty of time. Is it a hard project?" Grace asks, and I groan inwardly. I don't like people knowing my business.

"No, he just wants to see Ana." Goddammit! She said it.

"Who is this Ana?" Grace asks annoyed. Oh, nobody ever explained that one, did they?

"I told you yesterday, mom. Christian has a crush on her,"Mia says, and I inwardly curse her.

Don't ask more questions. Don't ask more question.

"Oh, his first crush! How cute is that!" Grace coos, and I groan. Mia smiles at her, pissing me off even more.

"I know, mom. She's so pretty too! I think he's head over heels," she says, and I have to say that statement is pretty much true, except Ana isn't just pretty, she's the most beautiful girl in the world.

"Well, I can see that. But that doesn't mean you get to make stupid decisions, Christian," Grace says, obviously noting that I skipped classes, another thing Mia let slip yesterday.

I mumble something incoherent and gave her a small smile. Mia finally finishes breakfast, and we are out the door. We hop into my Audi and are off to school quickly. I, begrudgingly, keep the speed limit, seeing as I have Mia in the car. She would surely squeal to mom about that next. We get to school, and the drive seems like it when on forever.

By the time I get to Video Production, I'm jumping out of my skin. When the bell rings and Ana still isn't there, my mind runs wild. Where the fuck is she? Is she hurt? Did she not want to come? Oh shit, did my kiss scare her off? I've never kissed anyone before. Maybe I was so bad, she couldn't face me. I ponder this thought for a moment, but push it out of my head. She was just as affected as I was. So that's not it. What is it then? Did she get in an accident on the way to school? I try to push that thought out of my head also. It's too unbearable, and I don't want to think about that.

Alright, so what is it? Why would she just skip school like this? Maybe it was the kiss but what about the kiss? Why doesn't she want to see me? What did I do wrong? Is it me? Is it the kiss? Is it her? Maybe she's scared, like me? But why would she be scared? I have my reasons; inexperience, my past, and my newfound love for her. What reasons does she have? Why would she be scared? Is she inexperienced too? Surely not, but then again, looking at me, you wouldn't expect it from me either. So maybe that's it. Maybe she's inexperienced too. But the way she kissed, well, that tells me something different. It makes me mad to think she's kissed someone else, so I push the thoughts out of my head. I don't want to think about that. I just want to know why she's not here.

Maybe she has a past too. Well, everyone has a past, but maybe it isn't a good one. I wonder if something happened to her and what it would be. I want to know if something happened to her now. I don't think I could handle her being hurt. So I'm hoping my thoughts aren't right. I'm hoping I'm just going crazy. And maybe I am, but now I want to know about her. I want to know why she didn't come to school. I just want to know, well, everything.

**Ana's POV**

I wake up early, but don't bother getting out of bed. I didn't get any sleep, because I was lost in thoughts of Christian. The only sleep I did get was full of unwanted nightmares, back from when I didn't have control. It doesn't seem like long ago. I just want to forget that part of my life ever happened. Why does this have to happen? Why do I have to feel this way? I hate feeling like I'm not in control. And the truth is, I'm not. Everything with Christian is unexpected. That kiss, that kiss was the most unexpected thing ever.

God, how do I even try and explain that kiss? I was so out of control, but at the same time, I felt safe. I never felt that way with anyone. And the kiss itself that was the best kiss I've ever had. It may sound corny, but I think I saw fireworks. It wasn't like any kiss I've had before. I'm scared to think of why that is, why I'm so comfortable with him, and why the kiss was the way it was.

But, I have to admit that I'm scared. Right now, I'm scared over just about everything. I'm mostly scared about my relationship with Christian, but Linc is floating in the back of my mind. I want to be with Christian, but I need Linc. He gives me what I need, and Christian can't give that to me. Things just feel complicated right about now, and I don't know what to do anymore. Hell, I don't even know what I want anymore. Do I want Christian? Well, of course I want Christian. Do I want Linc? Well, of course I want him. He gives me what I need. Can I live without one or the other? Which one do I give up? Which one do I need the most?

Christian makes me feel normal, and I like what he gives me. I can talk to him so easily. And he gives me comfort and warmth. I feel secure when I'm with him. And these aren't feelings I know too well. Hell, I don't even know what love is. Do I? Maybe that is what love is, this strong, secure feeling, that's intense, with ton's of indescribable emotions. When I think of Christian, I think of light, not like the sun or a lamp that you turn on but an emotional light, a metaphorical light that only he can turn on or off. I think I would do anything to have him just about now. But the truth is that I can't have him. We can't meet each other's needs, and that's the hard part.

I need Linc and the control that he brings me. Christian needs someone normal, someone he can touch and someone who's going to love him. Okay, I may or may not love him, but that's not the point. He doesn't just need someone who's going to love him. Surely, that isn't enough. What he needs is a normal girl, and sadly, I'm not that. He can't touch me, and he surely can't love me. I fuck, and I fuck hard. I don't make love, and I don't do the hearts and flowers thing. I need control anyway I can get it. I don't go on dates and don't do late night phone calls. I don't do feelings, and I don't do caring. The only thing I care about is me, myself, and I.

Okay, that may not be true. I already care about him, and I already have some sort of feeling for him. But I don't want them. I don't know how to deal with them, and I wish they would just go away. I'm confused and scared, and I don't know what to do. What if I was with Christian? Could I do it? Could I really be with him? I want to be with him, but honestly, it just doesn't seem possible. I've never really seen myself with anyone, not like that anyway. I've just never seen myself in that kind of relationship. I've been okay with that up until now that is.

I want to be with Christian, and I would take him anyway I could have him. But there are so many problems that lie ahead.

* * *

_**A/N Alright, so I didn't finish Ana's thoughts in this one. But, they will continue from here, in the next chapter. I also hope to get the dinner written, soon. I'm hoping for it to be in the next chapter, or at least to get part in the next chapter. Anyway, I hope to get it done, soon. **_

_**A thanks to my wonderful BETA, flamingpen18. She makes my life so much easier :)**_

_**I also want to thank everyone for their support. Your reviews, follows, and favorites mean a lot to me. I love hearing from you guys, and I'm glad you guys are enjoying this story. I've had someone say they couldn't read the story, because I had done some God bashing; in the past. I wanted to say I'm sorry if I have offended anyone with what I wrote. In no way was I trying to offend anyone. I was not writing my own views, I was simply writing how I think Ana would view God; at this point. In my timeline, she was younger when the incident with Stephen happened. And it was a very traumatic experience for her. She asked God to save her multiple times, thinking that, that was all it took. And when it didn't work, she lost her faith. Now, she has a distorted view of God. She's an angry, and upset teenager. Her views might change, but for now, they will stay the same. Like I said, I don't mean to offend anyone. It's simply fiction, and I hope you guys can understand that. So, er, yeah, I just wanted to say that.**_

_**Anyway, feel free to PM me, or leave a review with any questions; or anything else, for that matter. I hope you guys enjoyed, and I'll try and get the next chapter out as soon as I can.**_

_**Pinterest dot com /MidnightSteele/fifty-shades-of-fucked-up/**_


	11. A Dinner With The Grey's (Part One)

Chapter 11 – A Dinner With The Grey's (Part One)

Ana's POV

**Friday**

What am I going to do about Linc? I need to end it with him but how? And how am I going to last without him? I know I need to do this is, if I'm going to be with Christian. I just don't know how to tell him. After all he's done for me, I feel like I owe him. He saved me, or at least did his best. He agreed to teach me how to dominate. I couldn't have asked him to give me any more. And now, after all he's done for me, I'm just going to give him up? That doesn't seem fair to me, but what else am I supposed to do?

I want to be with Christian. I really do. But I'm still unsure of the whole thing. I don't know how I'm going to last without the control. I don't know how he could ever love me. I don't know how I could ever let him touch me. I don't know how we would be able to last. I'm so scared to be with him, for so many different reasons. I feel as if my nonexistent heart is breaking in two. I just want to be normal for a change. And if I was with Christian, I could be normal, couldn't I? Who am I kidding? I don't think I'm ever going to be normal. Maybe I should just give up now. Maybe love just wasn't meant to be for me. I've done drugs, and love is definitely the worst. I know what's going to happen if we're together. I'm going to get hurt, and I'm going to end up broken. I can't be broken again. I can't lose my control. I think it's just better to be alone, or just forget about love in its entirety.

I know I need to give one of them up. I can't have both. It isn't right, and it isn't fair to either of them if I don't. The thought of hurting Christian is abhorrent to me. And as much as I want him, I don't see it ending well. He deserves someone who is stable, and I can't be that for him. I'm the fucked up girl with issues and a troubled past. There's nothing to love about me. I was told over and over again that no one will ever love me. I was called stupid, fat, and ugly. Now those words are stuck in my head. And now I can't help but feel that they are true. Maybe I'm too fucking complicated for anyone to love. I'm undeserving, and it will never last for me. I've never thought love was possible, so why do I want it so badly now?

Sure, before everything happened, I was the happiest kid in the world. But now after everything, I'm fucked up beyond repair. This war inside me is going to kill me.

**Christian's POV**

When I get home, I do the same as yesterday and run to my room. I don't want to endure a dinner right now. I want Ana. Why is she doing this to me? Why did she leave? Everybody leaves.

I just want to be with her. I've never wanted to be with anyone before. There's just something about her. I want her. I want Ana. Why is she so afraid? I mean, she's not the only one. I'm scared shitless, but that doesn't mean I'm going to avoid her. I want to figure out what this is. I know its love. It has to be. What other kind of feeling is this? Yes, I've already concluded that I love Ana. I just want to know why she can't love me back. I want to know everything about her; I want to tell her everything about me. I want to share everything with her, and she won't even face me after one kiss.

I don't know how long I sat staring up at my ceiling, only thinking of Ana. It isn't till there's a knock on the door that I'm pulled out of my reverie.

"Christian, dear, are you alright?" Grace asks through the door, and I sigh.

"I'm fine," I say a bit too harshly. I hear her sigh outside the room, making me feel like shit.

"Will you please come downstairs? The Lincolns are here," she says, and I just continue to stare at the ceiling.

"I'll be down soon," I say forlorn.

"Are you sure you're alright, dear?" she asked, sounding concerned.

"I'm fine, mom. I'll be down soon," I say, wishing I really didn't have to leave the comfort of my room.

"Alright, dear, I love you," she says, before I hear her heels clicking in the hallway, walking away.

"I love you too, mom," I whisper, looking towards the door.

After a few more minutes, I get out of bed and get ready for dinner. I change out of the clothes I wore to school and put on a pair of jeans, along with a blue button up shirt. I throw on a red sweater and a pair of shoes, before leaving my room. I walk downstairs, my feet moving with minimal effort. If it wasn't for Grace, I would walk back into my room right now.

Walking down the stairs, I hear the quiet chatter in the great room. I inwardly sigh, meeting my fate and awkwardly walk into the room with my hands in my pockets, only to be met with glances from my family and guests. Grace and Mrs. Lincoln are talking on the loveseat, whilst my father and Mr. Lincoln are standing by the piano, drinking a glass of wine and what looks to be scotch. I have a feeling that my dad wants to do this dinner less than me. He rarely drinks hard liquor. Mia is sitting on the sofa, with her phone in her hands. She, obviously, feels the same as we do.

Grace smiles sadly at me, before turning back to Elena. Meanwhile, Carrick and Mr. Lincoln go back to their conversation as well. Mia goes back to hers, and I decide to sit next to her. If we have to endure this, why not endure it together? I know Mia gets uncomfortable around Mrs. Lincoln. Hell, everyone gets uncomfortable by that she-devil. Well, except for Grace. How she stands that woman, I'll never woman. Elena truly is the spawn of Satan, pure evil. I guess I would know. I mean, she did try to seduce an underage boy. Mrs. Fucking Robinson is more like it.

My feet make their way up on the coffee table, although I'm careful not to hit the glass. Mia shakes her head, not taking her eyes off her phone, obviously seeing me out of her peripheral vision.

"And what, dear sister, is so important that you can't take your eyes off that thing?" I ask, sarcasm dripping from voice. She rolls her eyes, before putting her phone away.

"I was trying to find Ana on Facebook, but I can't see to find her anywhere," she says, and I scowl at her. The doorbell rings, and Grace stands to answer it.

"Why the fuck would you do that?" I ask angrily. Ana, obviously, doesn't want anything to do with me.

"Christian, watch your mouth, and keep your feet off my table," Grace says, before walking past me with my father following.

"What do you mean? You've been sulking all day. I'm trying to help you."

"I don't need your help, alright? I like this girl. It's not that big of fucking deal. I don't need anybody's help. If I want to talk to her, I'll fucking find a way to talk to her." I don't want to rely on my little sister's help to find this girl. She left, and I'm going to find her on my own. I'm going to figure out what the hell her problem is by myself. I just need to find a way to fucking talk to her.

"Jesus, Christian, you don't need to be a dick about it. If you didn't want my help, you shouldn't have asked," she says, and I feel bad for yelling at her.

"Listen, I'm sorry, Mia. I'm just really confused, and I'm mad that I didn't get to talk to her today. I really like her," I say, stopping myself before I give it all away. Shit! I don't share my feeling with anyone, not even Mia. What is this girl doing to me? "I'm sorry," I say one last time, not wanting to hurt Mia's feelings.

"It's alright, Christian. You love her. I can see it. It's in the way you look at her. I don't know what it is, but I just know it. I'm happy for you. You finally found it, and I hope you don't let it go," Mia says, and after a beat, her eyes flash to the door. I turn around to see what's going on. Grace and Carrick walk in with a couple behind them. Trailing along a little ways behind them, I see that same brown hair.

She's looking down at her phone, and her wavy hair is, somewhat, blocking my view of her face, but I know it's her. It's this feeling I get whenever she's in the room, a spark of electricity, if you will. I really don't know how to explain it, but it's like my body just knows whenever she's around. She's wearing what looks to be a dress, with a denim jacket and a pair of heels. And once again, I get a wonderful view of her legs. They seem to go on forever, and they make me want her all the more. She hasn't looked up yet, and I'm thankful. I don't want her to catch me staring, not after what happened. She'll think I'm some kind of creep, surely.

I notice out of the corner of my eye, Grace and Carrick introducing the couple to Elena. When I see goddess put her phone in the side pocket of her jacket and look up, I get a better view of her face. Her eyes snap to Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln, and I notice them widen. I assume she wasn't expecting more people. It reminds me to ask her how she knows them, and why I saw her coming out of their house that day, that same day she turned my world upside down.

She doesn't look my way, but instead, her feet follow behind the unknown couple. Grace said that Carrick was inviting someone over from work, so it must be her dad. So I guess that explains the couple. Although, I don't see many similarities between the man and Ana, but she does have some of the woman's features. There aren't many, but some are there. Maybe she's adopted or something? I mean, it's not entirely impossible. She never really did tell me about her family, and it bugs me. I want to know everything about this girl, but yet, I know nothing.

She looks curiously at Elena, and the hag seems to be looking the same way at her. Mr. Lincoln is looking at Ana with an unnamed emotion. I can already tell I don't like it. I don't know what that look is, but I don't want anyone looking at Ana in general. I want to be with her. I don't want other guys staring at her, no matter who they are. He keeps a poker face expression, unlike Elena. I decide to make my way over to the group, instead of just staring. Mia comes with me, with a bubbly expression on her face, obviously just as curious about Ana.

"Oh, Christian, Mia, this is Bob and Carla Adams. Bob is working with your father at the firm," Grace says, introducing us to the couple that is standing next to the Lincolns. Everyone is standing in a semi circle near the piano. Mia stands by Carla, shaking her hand, and I stand next to Mia, doing the same after. Next is Bob, who we shake hands with after Mrs. Adams. Mr. Lincoln stands next to Bob, who is still looking at Ana who is across from him. Alongside him stands Mrs. Lincoln, who is doing the same. What the hell is their problem, and why are they both looking at Ana with two completely different expressions? Next to Mrs. Robinson, which I guess is what I'm calling Elena from now on, stands Grace, and then Carrick stands lovingly next to her. Ana stands a little away from both Carrick and I, which blocks the opening of the semicircle.

"And this is Anastasia, Carla's daughter," Grace says, moving her attention towards Ana, who I guess half the room is staring at now.

"Nice to meet you," goddess says, glancing at me with an unnamed emotion, before turning her attention back to the Lincolns. The three of them seem to be in a silent conversation with each other. Ana shifts uncomfortably, trying to look ahead, without meeting either of their gazes. God dammit! She's going to try to ignore me. Does she really regret the kiss? Why, though? And what the fuck are the Lincoln's problems? I mean, I know damn well she's beautiful, but there staring is worse than mine. Why the fuck is a form of sadness in all three of their eyes? I know sadness when I see it, and these three are definitely harboring some form of it.

"Ana, it's lovely to see you again. How is the new school going?" Mr. Lincoln asks, breaking the short silence in the room.

"It's fine, thanks for asking. It was nice of you to help Bob with that," Ana says, finally meeting his gaze. Her sadness looks alot like mine. It's a combination of things: pain, hurt, and many other depressing moods. I've noticed it before, but now her sadness holds something more. I can't explain it, and before I can ask my question, Grace does it for me.

"Oh, so how do you all of you know each other?" To her, this is small talk, but to me, it's so much more. I'm going to get to know more about goddess. This dinner is turning out to be better than I expected.

"Linc has been teaching Anastasia the aspects of business and running a company, to keep her out of trouble," Bob says, and Mr. Lincoln gives a small nod in response. Grace nods in response, before Carrick diverts the conversation elsewhere.

"What school are you attending, Anastasia?" he asks genuinely.

"Bob and Lincoln helped enroll her in Seattle Prep," Carla says, before Ana has a chance to talk.

Carrick glances at Carla, before turning his attention back to Ana."You go to school with Christian and Mia then?" he asks, and goddess simply nods in response, glancing at him.

"We're actually in the same class as _Ana_," Mia says proudly, directing this towards my mother. I notice she stressed the word Ana, and my mother's eyes widen in recognition. She glances from me to Mia and then back again. Oh, dear God, please don't make a big deal out of this.

"You're Ana?!" my mother exclaims, shocked, yet I note the hint of happiness in her voice.

"Umm… yes, ma'am?" Ana asks confused, with a hint of concern in her voice, no doubt wondering why she's so excited to meet her. In a flash, Grace is wrapping Ana in a hug. A blood curdling scream escapes Ana's lips, causing Grace to panic and step back worriedly. Ana stumbles back, falling down, before wrapping her arms around herself. Everyone in panic looks worriedly at one another, wondering what happened.

"Is she okay?" Grace asks, frightened, fidgeting, and turning towards Carla. Carla is looking at her daughter with cold eyes, and she shakes her head at Grace's question.

"She doesn't like to be touched," Carla says, sounding a bit unconcerned for her daughter welfare.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know," Grace says, still panicked. I look at Ana, recognition in my face. She doesn't like to be touched? I think back to the kiss, and remember I was too scared to touch anything but her beautiful face. She doesn't like to be touched? Why? What happened? Who did this to her? Who caused her this pain? Who caused her to be broken like me? Is this why she's scared of me, of us?

I look back at Carla, who doesn't move to even try and help Ana. Bob is looking at Ana with concern, like a real parent should. Mia has a sad expression looking at Ana. Mrs. Lincoln looks a lot like Carla at the moment, a cold hearted bitch who shows no emotion. Carrick has a myriad of emotions on his face. Grace is still panicked, fidgety, and scared. I can't understand Mr. Lincoln's emotion, but he looks at Bob, having a silent conversation with him. Obviously understanding Bob isn't going to go anything, he sighs, before slowly walking towards Ana. I'm full of emotions, wanting to help Ana with the pain.

I watch like a ghost as Mr. Lincoln crouches down next to Ana, not touching her. Still crouching next to her, he goes unnoticed by a still curled up Ana, who is slightly shaking.

"Annie," Mr. Lincoln whispers. The anger in me quickly subsides, knowing he's trying to help Ana.

"Annie, look at me. You're okay. No one is going to hurt you," he says, making Ana snap out of whatever trance she was in. She hasn't untangled herself and is still slightly shaking, but she is not longer staring off into space. She nods slightly, still looking to be in pain.

"Can you stand?" he asks, sounding concerned. I want to help right now, but I don't move. I don't know what to do. I continue to watch in pain as the events unfold before me.

She shakes her head no, and he nods understandingly.

"Why don't we get you some air, Annie?" he asks after a moment of silence, and she nods slightly.

He touches her arm lightly, pulling her up with himself, careful not to touch any other part of her body. She puts her hand on his upper arm, now holding herself up with his help. I can't help but wish it was me that knew how to help her. But the sad truth is, I know nothing about her. When he steps forward, and she tries to step with him, she limps a little on the side where he isn't supporting. She must have twisted her right ankle in the fall.

"Grace, can do have any ice?" Mr. Lincoln asks, and she nods.

"I'll get some," she says, scurrying off into the kitchen.

Mr. Lincoln leads Ana outside, whilst Grace goes to get the ice. I watch as he takes her out to the back patio. I want to follow, but I stand and watch like the rest of them. Why can't I be the one to help her? Why can't I know how? What happened to her?

Just as all the questions flow through my head, Carrick breaks the silence in the room."Is she going to be okay?" Carrick asks Bob and an unconcerned Carla.

"Oh, she'll be fine," Carla waves it off like the whole thing didn't happen. I notice Carrick get a bit upset at her comment, but he says nothing and goes back to his glass that he left half empty on the piano.

Everyone continues talking animatedly. The event that just occurred is still hanging over some of us but forgotten by others. I notice Grace come back from the patio and into the Kitchen. I turn to Mia, who has some of the same emotions on her face as me.

"Dinner's ready in the dining room," Grace announces, coming back into the room, before glancing at the back door.

"I'll go get Ana and Mr. Lincoln," I volunteer, and Grace nods slightly, looking a bit forlorn.

I walk out to the patio and see Ana and Mr. Lincoln sitting at the table out there. Ana has her foot propped up on a chair, while he holds a bag of ice on her ankle. They both look sad.

"What about this weekend?" he asks, making me still. I know I shouldn't eavesdrop.

"I don't think so," she says, looking like she's going to cry.

"Do you think you'll change your mind?" he asks. He sounds likes he is pain right now. But from what, I don't know.

"I don't think so," she says again, with the same expression. They're looking into each other's eyes, and I can't help but feel I'm intruding, even more so than when I was just before.

"I'm sorry," he says, breaking their gaze and looking at her ankle. He shifts the ice pack on it, and she look down at it too.

"Don't be."

"I should have told you."

"I'm over it," she says, continuing to look at her ankle and making his head snap to hers.

"You can't be serious."

"Oh, but I am, Linc. I was broken before I met you. Don't think I'm anymore broken now. It doesn't hurt, not anymore than it already did. I guess I'll always be broken, huh? I never did have a heart. Why would that change now?" She sounds more broken than before, if even possible.

"Goodbye, Anastasia," he says, and I quickly and quietly make myself hidden. I watch him lift her leg from his lap, setting the icepack back down on top of it. She doesn't say a word but continues to stare at her ankle. I know that they weren't talking about her ankle, so what else could it be? Her past, I want to think. But I know deep down, it's so much more than that. I just wish I knew what it was.

He kisses her on the forehead and lingers just a bit. I don't want to see this. I don't want to watch. My heart breaks a little more. It's the fear of the unknown, and it's slowly killing me. I want to know what's going on, but can my recently found heart take it? Can I live through the fear of the unknown, or will the pain of knowing hurt just as much?

* * *

_**A/N Alright, I lose my muse for a little while there. But, I'm happy to say I got it back. Now, I hope to get the next chapter out soon. It's going to continue the dinner, with Ana's POV. I'll recap just a bit, and then go into Ana and Linc's conversation; before continuing with the dinner.**_

_**I wanted to thank my BETA, flamingpen18 for editing this chapter. A huge help, as always, and I love your help.**_

_**I would recommend taking a look at the Pinterest page, that goes along with this story. There' s a lot on there, for this chapter. So, I hope you guys will enjoy that. I plan to post a lot on there, in the future.**_

_**Anyway, thank you everyone for reading. Also, thank you for the follows, favorites, and reviews. I love hearing what you guys think, and you all are so supportive. So, thanks for that, I really appreciate you guys. You make me want to be a better writer. It was never really my goal to be writer. But these stories have helped me improve my writing skill. Plus, it's a great outlet. I definitely recommend trying it, even if you aren't any good. So, back to the point, I'm glad you guys like the story. And I will continue trying to do my best work on it.**_

_**So, thank you guys for reading. I'll try to get the next one out, soon.**_

_**Pinterest dot com /MidnightSteele/fifty-shades-of-fucked-up/**_


	12. A Dinner With The Grey's (Part Two)

_**A/N Alright, so I wanted to make this chapter longer. But, my brain is fried right now. So, I'm just going to post what I have. I just want to let everyone know I changed my Pen Name from FSOGFanFicLover to Midnight Steele. I just wanted to make sure there was no confusion. Anyway, another thanks to my BETA. And, I hope you guys enjoy this. Let me know what you think. I also updated the Pinterest page if your interested.**_

_**Pinterest dot com /MidnightSteele/fifty-shades-of-fucked-up/**_

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Chapter 12 - A Dinner With The Grey's (Part Two)

Ana's POV

**Friday**

We pull up the winding driveway, and I inwardly groan that Bob insisted I come tonight. I would much rather sit in my room and do nothing. We're greeted at the door by a, seemingly, nice couple. They seem a bit shocked to see Carla, but don't let on too much. I wonder briefly what that's all about. I assume it's because she and Bob got married so fast. No doubt thinking she's a gold digger. I mean, I can't say I blame them. When they see me standing behind them, and Bob introduces me, the shock is evident. Carla was young when she had me; I know that for a fact. And now, here I am with her and another one of her husband's.

We walk in behind them, and I take this moment to check my phone. I'm supposed to see Linc tomorrow, and I still don't know what I'm going to do about that. I haven't even decided what I want. This war with my non-existent heart is slowly killing me. I just want to be happy, but I don't even know how to do that. I guess I'm just too broken, and I'll never really be happy. Hell, I don't even know what happiness is anymore. I don't even know how to be happy. All I know is that what I'm feeling isn't right. This isn't happiness. I'm simply breathing right now. I'm always just breathing, and it hurts. It hurts to breath. Why can't I just be happy for once?

I feel an odd sensation when I walk into their greatroom, but I think nothing of it. It isn't until I put my phone in my pocket and look up that I lock eyes with him. My eyes widen at the sight of him and a blonde woman. Who is she? My feet move me towards the group and the unknown woman. I stand near Carrick, Grace's husband, and across from my parents. More importantly, I'm across from them. I feel… used… betrayed. I was told that it was only us. I was told that I was his, and he was mine. Here I was, beating myself up for letting Christian kiss me but the whole time he has someone else? Who was I? What am I to him?

I glance at the woman curiously, who seems to be look at me with both curiosity and disdain. I can see Linc looking at me, but I pay no attention to him. I just want to know who this woman is.

"Oh, Christian, Mia, this is Bob and Carla Adams. Bob is working with your father at the firm," Grace says, making my eyes widen. Christian? Mia? What?

"And this is Anastasia, Carla's daughter," Grace says, and I inwardly cringe at her use of my full name.

"Nice to meet you," I say, glancing back ahead. I don't look at anyone now. I know they're looking at me, and I feel uncomfortable. I feel… trapped. I shift uncomfortably when I see a glass of what looks to be scotch sitting on the piano.

"Ana, it's lovely to see you again. How is the new school going?" he asks, breaking the short silence in the room. I want to ignore him, but I know I can't. Why the fuck is he doing this?

"It's fine, thanks for asking. It was nice of you to help Bob with that," I say, finally meeting his gaze. I try to keep my hurt expression hidden.

"Oh, so how do you all of you know each other?" Grace asks.

"Linc has been teaching Anastasia the aspects of business and running a company to keep her out of trouble," Bob says, and I want to laugh at his complete unawareness.

"What school are you attending, Anastasia?" Carrick asks, and I wonder why he even cares. Carrick glances at Carla, before turning his attention back to me.

"You go to school with Christian and Mia then?" he asks, and I nod in response, glancing at him.

"We're actually in the same class as Ana," Mia says, and I suddenly wonder if I'm hearing things or if she really stressed my name in that sentence.

"You're Ana?!" Grace exclaims, and I become weary of where this going.

"Um… yes, ma'am," I say confused and concerned at why she seems so excited.

Before I know what's happening, she is wrapping me in a hug. I scream, and all I see is red. No one has touched me liked that since the incident. The burning sensation hits me like a ton of bricks. It hurts, and all the memories flood back to me. I know there mumbling, but I don't even hear it. I curl my arms around myself on the floor. I don't want to be hurt, not again.

"Annie," I hear in the back of my mind. I try to come out of the memories but to no avail.

"Annie, look at me. You're okay. No one is going to hurt you," I hear, and the memories are quick to fade away. I'm still holding myself, and I nod slightly to him.

"Can you stand?" he asks, and I shake my head no. I don't think I can move at this point.

"Why don't we get you some air, Annie?" he asks after a moment of silence, and I nod slightly. I feel even more trapped that I did before. He helps me stand, and I have to hold onto to him so I don't fall. My ankle hurts, and I limp when I try to walk.

"Grace, do have any ice?" he asks, and I hear her answer that she will get some. I follow him outside, where he leads me to a table on the patio. I sit down in one of the chairs, and he sits in one next to me. Grace comes outside and says I should elevate my leg and put the ice on it. She apologizes, to which I tell her it isn't her fault, and she goes back inside. He puts my leg on his lap and places the ice on my ankle.

"Who is she?" I hear myself say.

"She doesn't matter," he says, sounding sad but not looking at me.

"Please, tell me who she is," I say, and he shakes his head remorsefully.

"My wife, but she means nothing to me, Ana," he says, and I scoff at the remark. He's married? Married? How did I not know this? How did this not come up? Oh wait, I know, because he lied to me. He said that he was mine, and I was his, but he lied to me. Suddenly, it explains so much. I really did mean nothing to him. I was just someone to use. I was just there, until he found someone better. I meant nothing to him.

"You lied to me. You broke the contract," I say, and he nods sadly.

"I'm sorry, Ana," he says, and I shake my head. I don't want to hear it.

"I think we should end this…" I trail off, at a loss for words. Is this really what I wanted?

"What about this weekend?" he asks, and I shake my head no.

"I don't think so," I respond, trying to keep my emotions at bay. I know I may have wanted to end this, but it's all feeling so real now.

"Do you think you'll change your mind?" he asks, not quite sounding like himself.

"I don't think so," I say, looking into his eyes. I feel a heartache that I've never felt before. But for whatever reason I'm feeling this, I'm not sure.

"I'm sorry…" he says, unintentionally shifting the ice pack on my leg. I look down at it, unable to look at him anymore.

"Don't be," I respond. Why should he feel sorry for me?

"I should have told you…" he trails off, sounding remorseful.

"I'm over it," I say and can feel his eyes boring into me.

"You can't be serious," he says, sounding shocked at my admission that may or may not be true. I'm not even entirely sure of my own feelings at this point.

"Oh, but I am, Linc. I was broken before I met you. Don't think I'm anymore broken now. It doesn't hurt, not anymore than it already did. I guess I'll always be broken, huh? I never did have a heart. Why would that change now?"

"Goodbye, Anastasia," he says, making it all final. I don't say a word as I watch him remove my leg from his lap. When he kisses me on the forehead, he lingers just a bit. I don't know what to say, so I say nothing. He leaves me sitting there, and as much as I try, I can't even cry. I hear noises coming from the door, and when I turn I see something I was definitely not expecting, Christian, standing there with an unnamed emotion.

"How long have you been standing there?" I ask, and he shrugs before sitting down next to me.

"Long enough," he says, letting silence come over us.

"Are you going to tell me?" he asks, and it's my turn to shrug.

"Maybe one day," I trail off, not wanting to talk about it right now.

"Dinner's ready," he says, before standing. He helps me stand, and I notice he only touches my arm. I guess he's figured out that I don't like to be touch anywhere else. Then again, I guess everyone's figured that out.

We walk into the dining room, and he helps me sit in one of the empty chairs. I'm sitting next to Mia, and Christian takes the empty chair beside me. The rest of the dinner is kind of awkward. I can't help but glance at Linc and his wife every so often. It sounds weird saying wife, but I guess that's what she is. It just seems… wrong. It's not that I want to be with him, especially after what happened, but they just seem odd around each other. It makes me wonder why they are even together. Surely, that isn't what love is. Surely, two people can be together forever...


	13. Let's Be Friends

Chapter 13 – Let's Be Friends  
Ana's POV

**Friday**  
After dinner, everyone but Mia, Christian, and I go outside. I would have followed them had it not been for Linc and his wife.

I feel funny around Christian, and I don't know what to make of it. I'm trying to avoid him, but it seems like something inside of me just won't let me. It's like a part of me doesn't want to give him up. Yet, my mind is screaming to run away. I'm trying to listen to reason, but this feeling is hard to fight. I don't know how to explain it. I don't know if I want it to stay, or just leave me alone completely. I think I would feel empty without it, without him.

These feelings may be foreign, but I don't know what I would do without them. I feel lost right now. I don't know whether to stay or to go. I want to run as fast as I can, but something inside of me is telling me to stay. I guess I'm just a mess right now. Then again, when isn't my life a mess? I've always been at least a little fucked up. I've always wanted so much out of life, but I always ended up with so little. I always used to wonder why my father never wanted me. I used to wonder why my mom left Ray. I used to beg for her to go back to him. I begged her to leave Stephen. I always asked God, why me.

I guess that's all kind of irrelevant now. But some of it I still question today. I always wonder why that shit happened to me, and I still wonder, "what if?".

Maybe I should just forget about it. Maybe I should just move on already. Maybe I should just stop caring about it. I should just forget everything that happened. I shouldn't be wasting my time with any of it. But it's hard to move on from something like that. It haunts me every single day. How do you move on from that? How do you just forget about it? Maybe I really do care. Maybe I, honestly, care about it all.

I always thought that was impossible. I never thought I had a heart. Okay, maybe before the incident I did. But after that, it just kind of disappeared. I no longer cared about any of it. And now, it's awfully freighting, learning that just isn't the truth. It's scary, realizing that everything you ever knew might just be a lie. I was told all these things, and they just kind of stuck with me. But now, I'm starting to wonder why I even believed them. They can't be true, can they? Surely, somewhere in even the darkest corners of my heart, there's love somewhere inside of there. I mean, I had to have loved at one point. Why can't I now? Did I just become too twisted? Did Stephen mess me up that badly?

To be honest, I think these are the only feelings I've had for anything since the Stephen incident. It's weird. I don't remember feeling anything for so long, but here it is. And now, I don't think I like it. It's making me more confused. I haven't dealt with emotions for so long. And now with Christian, I don't even know what I want anymore. I feel like I'm never going to get out of this rut. Honestly, I'm starting to feel a little hopeless. I need to figure this out soon. I don't want to continue feeling like this. It's all just too much, and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be able to handle all of this. Somewhere along the line, I know I lost myself. Because right now, this isn't me, and I don't know what it will take to find myself again. Now I'm starting to wonder. Do I even want to be found? I guess I'm just an emotional wreck.

Mia leaves us in the greatroom, and I'm starting to wonder what the hell she's up to. First, it was the library. Where is she always running off to? I watch Christian aimlessly walk around the great room, and I decide to take a seat at the piano. I learned to play when I was younger, but I haven't since then. I guess it's another one of my forgotten talents. A familiar tune fills my head, and my fingers dance along the keys.

Christian's POV  
When Mia leaves, I don't know what to say to Ana. I try to think of something, anything, but nothing comes out. When I hear the piano, my body whips around. I watch her play, and it's the most enchanting thing in the world. The look on her face, I don't even know if she realizes I'm still here. She seems so far away, but she hits each key perfectly. And when I hear her heavenly voice, I think I might be dreaming. It's tune I haven't heard before, but she sings it beautifully. Damn, this woman really is the definition of beauty. I don't think I was that far off when I called her goddess. She's perfect, at least to me she is. At that moment, all thoughts of her beauty stop, and I just listen to her sing.

_Do you remember when the walls fell?  
Do you remember the sound that the door made  
When you closed it on me?  
Do you know that I went down to the ground  
Landed on both my broken hearted knees?  
I didn't even cry  
Because pieces of me had already died._

_I'm a ghost, haunting these halls.  
Climbing these walls that I never knew were there  
And I'm lost, broken down the middle of my hard heart.  
I'm broken down the middle of my hard heart.  
You know you make me a ghost._

_I'm an invisible disaster.  
I keep trying to walk  
But my feet don't find the solid ground.  
It's like living in a bad dream  
I keep trying to scream  
But my tongue has finally lost its sound.  
I've got to say goodbye  
To the pieces of me that have already died._

_I'm a ghost, haunting these halls.  
Climbing these walls that I never knew were there  
And I'm lost, broken down the middle of my hard heart.  
I'm broken down the middle of my hard heart.  
You know you make me a ghost._

_Oh you make me ghost  
You make me a ghost  
You make me a ghost_

_I don't cry, I don't try anymore  
And I'm lost, broken down the middle of my hard heart  
I'm broken down the middle_

_I'm a ghost, haunting these halls  
Climbing up walls that I never knew were there  
And I'm lost, broken down the middle of my hard heart_

_I'm broken down the middle of my hard, heart  
You know you make me a ghost._

When she's finished, I'm staring at her in awe. I think she forgot I was even here. Her eyes are closed, and she looks to be in a completely different place. When she opens them, her fingers dance on the keys again, before she looks up. Her eyes go a little wide, and I know I'm staring at her like a dork.

"You play well…" I trail off, not sure what to say.

"Thanks," she says, getting lost in thought once again.

"Where did you learn?" I ask, and she looks back up to me.

"When I was younger… I haven't played in forever," she says, and I nod slightly.

"The song…" I say hesitantly, wondering what she was singing about.

"I don't really know. It's just kind of… me," she says, and I can see the lost look in her eyes.

"Do you think you'll ever not feel that way?" I ask, suddenly unsure of myself. I understand in a way, but I think she's making me better.

"Like what?" she asks, sounding both sad and scared. I wish I could make her feel the way I do. Although, I'm not even sure what that is yet.

"I don't know," I shrug, my hands awkwardly in their pockets, unsure of what to do with myself.  
"Me either," she says, more to herself than to me.

There a silence as we both look into one anothers eyes. I'm standing not far from the piano, and I can see her blue eyes clearly. I wonder why they look that way… innocent… broken… lost… sad… so many more emotions. Just as I'm about to speak again, the back door opens. When Elena Lincoln walks in, I unconsciously take a step back. Goddess must have realized this too, because when I look back at her, shes turning on the bench to see her. Elena looks at her with pure disdain, and I can't see Ana's expression.

**Ana's POV**

When Mrs. Lincoln walks in, I think my eyes explode. Shit. I wasn't expecting this. I don't even know what she knows. Hell, I didn't even know about her. Does she really know about me? If so, what does she know?

"Can I speak to you, Anastasia?" she asks me, and I nod hesitantly. I don't like the sound of that.

I follow Mrs. Lincoln into the kitchen, when really all I want to do is run as far away as I can. She looks as me with nothing but disgust, and I can help but feel inferior in this moment. I must have hurt this woman beyond anything I can imagine. I didn't even know I was doing it though. I didn't know he had a wife at home. It makes me feel like shit. But at the same time, I won't let this woman put me down.

"So you're the woman who has been sleeping with my husband," she says, and it's more of a statement rather than a question.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I defend. No one can know I was with Linc. It's our secret. Although she may have assumptions, she surely doesn't know the truth. She can't know. She simply can't.

"Don't play dumb with me, you little bitch," she spits angrily at me. Look lady, you're just as much a victim as me. It's not like I would have slept with him had I known about you.

"Mrs. Lincoln, I can assure you, I have no idea what you're speaking of," I say calmly, lying my pants off.

"You've been fucking my husband. Admit it," she says, getting even more pissed off, if it were even possible.

"That's absurd," I state, and I almost want to laugh at how truthful that statement sounds. I'm a good liar when I want to be, I guess.

"Listen Anya-" she starts, and I instantly cut her off. Bitch can't even get my name straight. And to think, I was going to play nice.

"It's Ana," I snap, and her eyes widen at my outburst. Yeah, you thought I was just going to sit here and listen to you. Huh, bitch?

"Whatever! Listen, Anya, I'm not stupid. I know girls like you-" I ignore the name this time.

"Girls like me?" I somewhat snap. What the fuck does that mean?

"Anya, whore is written all over you face," she states, and I think steam is coming out of my ears. Who does this bitch think she is? I'm not a whore.

"Alright, bitch, you listen to me. The only whore here is you. Who the fuck starts accusing someone they just met of sleeping with their husband? Insecure much?" I sound like a petty bitch right now, but I could really care less. Where the hell does she get off on calling me a whore? I may have made some bad choice in life, but being a whore isn't one of them.

"You better watch yourself, little girl," she says, trying to gain some redemption. She's already made herself look weak, and there's no going back now. She obviously cares. I mean, I know I was sleeping with her husband, but I didn't know. That doesn't mean she has to know it was me. There is, obviously, a reason they were this distant. I surely couldn't have been the cause of their failed marriage. It makes me wonder why there together. Is this what love is? I feel like love has to be more than this. Is that true? Love is more than lies and betrayal, right? Because that's all I've ever known. Abandonment. Abuse. Neglect.

"You watch yourself, dinosaur bitch," I spit at her, before walking out of the room. I don't know where I'm going, but I end up in the foyer. I make a beeline for the stairs. I find myself taking a seat on the very top step. It's somewhat hidden, and I take refuge in that right now. I'm exploding with feelings I never knew existed. I'm also starting to feel some of the pain I have endured over the last few years. I realize now why I kept this all locked up. I didn't want to feel this way, because once you do, you can't go back. I never considered half of these feelings, until I started feeling again. This is what Christian's done. Those grey eyes have tortured my soul.

When I see him walking up the stairs, I almost want to run away, but I don't. His eyes widen when he sees me, and he hesitantly sits next to me. I take it he didn't know I was up here. Hell, I don't even know why I'm up here. I guess I just kind of wanted to get away.

"Do you maybe want to do something tomorrow?" he suggests hesitantly, and I can't help but smirk.

"I don't do dates," I state, and I notice his eyes widen. He looks at me like I'm from out of space, and I guess I understand why. I look like the kind of girl that dates, but the truth is that I've never been on a real date my entire life.

"It doesn't have to be a date," he says quickly, obviously embarrassed. "It could be as friends," he says after a beat.

"Friends?" I question, and he nods hesitantly.

"Alright. I'll be your friend. Where do you want to go?" I ask, and he shrugs.

"Uh, we could go to dinner, a movie, or maybe even a walk," he says, and I wonder why he's nervous.

"How about we go to a club?" I ask, and his eyes widen.

"Ugh, because we're not 21," he says, and I smirk again.

"Are you telling me you don't have a fake ID?" This time, all nerves seem to fade.

"Of course I have one. I just… I don't know…" he trails off, still unsure.

"Are you scared?" I question jokingly, and he scowls.

"Of course not!" he says, sounding affronted.

"What club?" he asks, after a moment of silence.

"I don't know. I'll text you tomorrow. What's your number?" I ask, and he pulls out his phone. We exchange numbers, and I even let him put a picture of me in his phone.

"We can meet up tomorrow night?" I confirm, and he nods. I guess tomorrow night should be interesting. But before anything can go further, our parents are storming into the house.

"Anastasia, we're leaving." I hear my mother call. I see Christian get somewhat disappointed, and I somewhat feel the same. I didn't quite want to leave him yet.

I give him a kiss on the check, before rising.

"Goodbye, Christian." I say, only to be met with a semi dazed Christian. He mumbles goodbye, and I head down the stairs. I see bob and Carla walking at a fast paced to the door.

"Where were you?" She somewhat snaps, not stopping. I see Grace and Carrick walking much more gracefully, not far behind.

"What do you care?" I ask, whilst we head out the door. Being in heels, they are walking quite fast for me. Heading down the front steps, I decide to poke the bear.

"What the hell stick was shoved up your ass? Slow the fuck down, Carla." I snap, following not far behind them now. I would say I was sorry, but I'm not. I have no respect for this woman.

"Shut the hell up, Anastasia." Typical Carla.

"Meow" I say jokingly. She makes it to easy...

* * *

When we get home, I head straight to my room. I don't feel like listening to Carla bitch anymore about me being a brat or what not. She just doesn't seem to understand that my fear of touch is real, not that she's tried to hug me or anything. Being a witness to it, she finds me being completely unreal. It doesn't even pay to argue with her. It will do me no good. Instead, I head straight to bed, but trying to falls asleep while starting up at the ceiling has me feeling lonely. I've never felt lonely before. Well, not for what I can remember anyway. I don't like these feelings. I feel tortured. The only time the pain fades is when I think of Christian. I just want to be alright again. Instead, I'm feeling, well, everything but alright. Maybe it's all going to change one day. A girl can only hope.

I'm starting to wonder if Christian really is the cure. Am I ready to face falling for someone? Am I ready to try more? Or is it just going to crumble, like everything in my life has done before. I mean, I'm broken, why would he even want me?


	14. Who Is Ana Steele?

_**A/N Alright, I'm sorry it's been so long. I really have no excuse, just life. But I'm sorry it took so long for me to get an update out there.**_

_**I added something at the end of last chapter. I changed the way that they left the Grey's. And it's a little bit of a beginning as some stuff you're going to see in this chapter. I hope it isn't confusing. My reasoning will come out eventually. But, you can always guess whilst you wait ;)**_

_**I also wanted to thank my wonderful BETA for her help. I ended up typing this on my phone, so she had quite a few things to fix. But atlas, it has been edited.**_

_**I want to thank everyone for following, favoriting, reading, and reviewing. You are all wonderful. So, I just wanted to thank you guys for the support. And let you know it means so much to me. I really like this story that I have written, and I have many plans for it's future. This is by far my favorite story that I have written, and I am very proud. But I couldn't have done it without you all. You're my support, and I can't thank you enough for that. So, I just wanted to let you know that I have a lot of plans in mind for this story. **_

_**I hope you will review and let me know what you think, you're support means a lot to me. **_

_**If you're interested, there's a Pinterest page setup for this story. Pinterest dot com /MidnightSteele/fifty-shades-of-fucked-up/**_

_**Song: The Lumineers - Ho Hey**_

* * *

Chapter 14 - Who Is Ana Steele?

Christian's POV

**Friday**

Falling asleep with my music on, I find myself getting lost in my thoughts and the music. I can't help but think about what tomorrow might bring. I can't wait to see Ana again. Although, after last night, I can't help wonder about her. I really do want to know more about her, but it's going to be hard to be just friends with her. I guess that's better than nothing. I mean, I would take her anyway I can get her. So I guess this is the way it's going to have to be for now. Although, I don't know how long I'm really going to last. It's only a matter of time, before I'm dying to feel her lips on mine again. I mean, hell, I've been thinking about that since I first met her. It's kind of funny. It's like we belong together. I've been hers since the moment I saw her.

_(Ho!)_

_(Hey!)_

_(Ho!)_

_(Hey!)_

Listening to the beat of the music, I can't help get lost in the lyrics.

_(Ho!) I've been trying to do it right_

_(Hey!) I've been living a lonely life_

_(Ho!) I've been sleeping here instead_

_(Hey!) I've been sleeping in my bed,_

_(Ho!) Sleeping in my bed_

_(Hey!)_

_(Ho!)_

_(Ho!) So show me family_

_(Hey!) All the blood that I would bleed_

_(Ho!) I don't know where I belong_

_(Hey!) I don't know where I went wrong_

_(Ho!) But I can write a song_

_(Hey!)_

_1, 2, 3_

_I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart_

_I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweet_

How fitting, I muse. I almost want to send her the song, but quickly dismiss the idea. That would be embarrassing. I already feel like I'm revealing too much.

_(Ho!)_

_(Hey!)_

_(Ho!)_

_(Hey!)_

_(Ho!) I don't think you're right for him._

_(Hey!) Look at what it might have been if you_

_(Ho!) Took a bus to Chinatown._

_(Hey!) I'd be standing on Canal_

_(Ho!) And Bowery._

_(Hey!)_

_(Ho!) And she'd be standing next to me._

_(Hey!)_

Only hearing about another guy, even in the song, I can't help but to think about what I witnessed tonight. Sitting here wondering what that was with Linc and Ana, drives me crazy.

_1, 2, 3_

_I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart_

_I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart_

_She does belong with me. That much is true. The way I see it is that we belong together._

_Love – we need it now_

_Let's hope for some_

_So, we're bleeding out_

_I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart_

_I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweet_

_(Ho!)_

_(Hey!)_

_(Ho!)_

_(The last one)_

_(Hey!)_

I smile thinking about the lyrics I just heard. Maybe this could be our song, I muse. Well, there isn't even an us yet. But maybe one day.

**Saturday**

Waking up the next morning, I don't even remember falling asleep. Looking over at the clock, I can't believe it's only 10. I feel like I've slept forever. I wish it was at least noon. This day is going to take forever. I just want to see Ana.

I, begrudgingly, get out of bed and take a shower. I so don't want to get up right now, but I can't fall back asleep. I know I'm not going to see Ana until later, but I am really excited for tonight. Maybe I can make her realize that we should be more than friends. I mean, this can't honestly work out. I like her too much. Surely, she feels the same way. At least, I keep hoping she does.

I decide to be simple and wear an outfit similar to last night. I don't want it to look like I'm trying too hard, but I do want to look nice. Looking at the clock, I notice it didn't take me long at all. I sigh and look around my room for something to do. Eventually giving up, I head downstairs.

I search around the kitchen, looking for something to eat. Staring blankly into the pantry, I didn't even notice someone come in.

"Can I talk to you in my office, Christian?" my dad asks, and I, hesitantly, follow behind him. When we get into his office, I take my usual spot across from him. Whenever we would have a talk, I would always take this chair. Although, I haven't been in here for quite some time. I wonder what this is about.

"What is this about, Dad? I was just about to leave..." Alright, it's only noon, and we weren't going to hang out until later. But I was going to leave rather than sit in the house all day. I'm a bundle of nerves just sitting here.

"Where?" he asks sternly, and I really start to wonder what his problem is.

"I was going to see Ana today," I say, and his expression darkens.

"Anastasia?" he questions, and l nod my head.

"Yeah, it's Ana," I say. His expression doesn't change.

"I don't want you seeing that girl, Christian," he says assertively. My eyes widen in shock. I really hope he's joking. But even then, I don't find it funny. Don't see Ana? Is he crazy? This girl is like my newly found ray of light or something like that anyway. All I really know is that she's, well, special. I can't really describe it any other way. There just something about her, something that makes my heart beat faster. Hell, I didn't even know I had a heart before I met her.

"Why?" I ask dumbfounded. Why does he want to take away my newfound happiness? Doesn't he see it? Isn't this what love is? Why would he destroy that?

"Listen, Christian, just trust me on this," he states.

"No," I say just loud enough for him to hear.

"What?" he asks disbelieving.

"No, No, I will not stay away. No, you can't ask me not to see her," I say, and his eyes widen again. He angry. It's blatantly obvious.

"Christian, you don't understand. Leave. Her. Alone" he's almost shouting, but I don't back down.

"Why?" He hasn't given me any reasons.

"Because I said so!" he yells.

"Well, that's shit!" I yell back. At the sound of yelling, Grace comes into the office to find my father and me head to head. I'm not backing down on this. If he wants me to stay away, I need a good reason. Hell, I'm not even sure if that's enough. But right now, I'm angry.

"What's going on in here, Carrick?" she asks, and my dad tries to look calm.

"He was just telling me that I need to stay away from Ana," I say pissed off. I really hope Grace will take my side in this. She can't really feel the same way.

"Carrick," she says. Her voice is light, but it's still stern in its own way. It sounds like a warning.

"Grace, I can't let this happen," he says, and I get curious as to what the fuck that means.

"Christian, please go up to your room. Your father and I need to talk," Grace says.

"Actually, I'm leaving. I'll be back later," I say and walk out of the room. Alright, Grace didn't deserve that. But what the fuck is Carrick's problem?

I hop into my car and head off in an unknown direction. I don't know where I'm going right now, and I don't care. I just wanted out of there.

**Ana's POV**

I wake up around noon, seeing as I have nothing else to do. I still didn't get all that much sleep. I can never sleep, and last night wasn't all that different. The house is quiet, so I know nobody's home. I sigh. This house really is lonely. I take a shower in silence, dress in silence, and eat in silence. I'm sitting in the kitchen and standing, while eating a bowl of cereal. I feel like I'm going crazy. I hate this.

I decide to hang out in the library for the rest of the day. I'm not meeting up with Christian till later, so I have some time to read. I get a few pages into Emma when the doorbell rings. I look at my phone, and it's about one. I wonder who it is.

When I see Christian at my door, I instantly open it. What's he doing here so early? When he steps in, I close the door behind him.

"Chris..," he cuts me off, kissing me for the second time. And just like the last, it's unlike any kiss I've ever had. It's... electrifying.

"Ana," he whispers against my lips. I'm leaning on the door, and he's hovering over me. I would feel trapped, normally. But oddly enough, I don't. Maybe it's because he's not touching me. But whatever the matter, I'm actually enjoying being close to someone.

His thumb trails my lower lip, and I look up at him I'm wonder. His forehead is leaning on mine, and I have a perfect view of his dark stormy grey eyes. The are full of unnamed emotions. But we still just look at each other. I'm wondering what that was, and what kind of kiss does this to someone. I almost feel immobile. I really don't want to leave him. I just want to kiss him again.

When I lean upward and capture his lips in mine, it takes a moment for him to respond. But when he does, it isn't unlike the last. The same electrifying feeling deepens, but before it can go any further, I break away. We're both trying to catch our breaths, and I'm leaning against the door again in support.

"What are you doing here?" I ask in a whisper. We are still really close, but I don't want it to stop. I like feeling this way with someone. I like being able to be close to him, but at the same time, I'm not afraid of being this close, not with him anyway. Anyone else and I would be running for the hills. So why him?

"I needed to see you," he says, and I swear I melt at his words. His voice is soft and sweet.

"Why?" I ask, wondering why he didn't wait till later.

"Do I need a reason?" he asks and kisses me lightly again.

I shake my head no, and he gets a small grin on his face.

"I like you. More than a friend," he says, and my breath is taken away.

"I like you too. But I don't know if I can do more," I say honestly, and he looks at me questioningly. After a few moments of staring into another's eyes again, he sighs, seeing I can't give this up. I don't think I can do more, as much as I want to. I just don't know more. I've never done more.

"I..understand..." He doesn't. The look on his face says it all.

"I should go," he says, and I feel a pain in my chest. I reach my hand out to touch his and place it on his heart.

**Christian's POV**

I flinch when she touches my chest. My eyes close. There a moment where I think I'm going to be in pain, but it never comes. I wait for it, but nothing happens. When she goes to take her hand away, I put my hand on top on hers. When she tries to pull away, I don't let her.

"Chris-" I cut her off again.

"Shhh," I don't want her to pull away. When I come back down to earth, we are close together again. My forehead meets hers again, and I open my eyes. Looking into her blue eyes, I just get lost again.

"What ar…," she starts, and I cut her off again.

"Shhh," I say, and her eyes widen. My heart is beating rapidly. She truly is heaven.

"Ana…," I trail off. "I'm like you…," I say, trying to explain. "No ones ever touched my chest before..." I say, and she gasps.

"Chris…," she starts again, but just like before, I don't let her finish.

"Shhh... it doesn't hurt." I answer honestly.

"How?" she asks, and her innocence in that moment is like nothing I've seen before.

"You, Ana. It's you. It's always going to be you." I really do think this girl is it for me. She's all I need.

"I can't," she starts, looking broken. I just want to fix her like she fixed me.

"I understand," I say, and she still doesn't believe me.

"I can't ask that of you." I wouldn't have been able to let her touch me knowingly. I thought it would have burned. But when she put her hand on my chest, I felt... love.

"Why?" she asks, and I'm not sure what she's referring to at this point. Why can't I ask her, or why is she the first to touch my chest? Should I tell her what happened? I've never told anyone before. Perhaps, I should. I trust her. I love her. I need to tell her.

Her hand is still on my chest with my hand on top of hers. We're literally nose to nose.

"I had a bad childhood," I start, but she stops me by putting her finger over my lips. She takes my other hand and leads me up the stairs.

**Ana's POV**

I have a feeling he's about to share something from his past. When he starts, I know he's telling the truth. I don't want him telling me this. It's not that I don't want to know. It's that I'm scared. Why is he telling me? I know how hard it is to tell someone your story. Is he really this comfortable with me?

In case Carla or Bob come back, which I highly doubt, I decide to lead him up to my room. If he really is going to tell me this, it shouldn't be in a foyer.

"You don't have to do this," I say truthfully. He really doesn't have to do this. I want to make sure he's doing this for himself, no one else.

"I want to," he says and lays himself comfortably on my bed. I can't help but smile. We haven't known each other long, but were still so comfortable with one another. When he pulls me down to him, I giggle. I like the playful side of him. I don't have enough fun in my life.

"Stay," he says, kissing the top of my head. I put my head on his chest, and I notice he's been careful not to touch me. I inwardly frown. I want his touch. I carefully put his arms not to far above my waist. He keeps them there, wrapped around me, and I slowly get more comfortable.

**Christian's POV**

When she puts my arms around her, I almost pull away. I feel her heart beat faster, but when she looks up at me, I feel content. Those blue eyes that seem to be filled with fear are followed with a broken smile. It keeps me content to know she's not scared. She hasn't run. She wants to be fixed as much as I do. Although, I think she already has fixed me. Maybe I can make her feel better too. I don't want her to go. I want her to stay. I want to stay like this forever. But I will be content with this right now. Being this close to her and being able to feel her like this is all I want right now.

"Where do I start?" I say in contemplation.


End file.
